The Last Two Days

The last two days, I've spent writhing in agony around my bed, throwing up some of the time in my solitary confinement, without a word of solace or encouragment, and too sick to do anything beyond just laying there. I won't say any more for fear I say more than is good, but that kind of suffering leaves one in a very dark place, as it takes a huge emotional toll. So, this has been the reason for my blogs quietness. I haven't been anywhere online either privately or publically, so folks know stuff must've been bad. And tho its rescinded somewhat, I'm still not well, so, that's about all I got for now.

For any readers who read over at my puritannical blog, forgive me if reposts from old blogs appear until in a better place to post some new ones. I do want to get ALL my quotes on that site at some point, but when posting one I've used already, normally try to post a new one too at some point during the day, but you can only do what you can do.

Some of my views about Christian society as a whole, may seem odd or extreme. All I can say is, I don't expect anyone to agree or understand, unless they been where I been and seen what I seen, and still are doing. But its not all encompassing, thankfully, the online world has shown me that at least. But are trying not to talk about it in public any more.

As a side note, I've added another chapter of the History of the WEstminster assembly by William Hetherington onto the e-books space. |

Hi-Jack a plane get rewarded!

Here's an example in point that sin/crime really does pay for the majority. Most people do NOT suffer for sin in any major way at all. Eight Aghanistans who hijacked a plane at gunpoint and forced the pilot to fly into the UK were given asylum here yesterday, and won't have to be deported. They will be entitled to state benefits, free medical care, housing/shelter and the same as any other regular British citizen. But, they held someone at gun point to make there way here, and got rewarded beyond anyones wildest imagination. Even Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

I've been thinking about adoptoin. If a mother and father adopted a child. And they and perhaps any off-spring they already had, went about as if the adopted child didn't exist or had no needs, the same as other members of the family did, do you think that child would stay in its new found environment? I doubt it, very much. No one stays forever where they do not feel welcome or wanted. Its possible even the authorities would be called in and the child taken away, as neglect is a form of abuse. And that's me in this world I am in. God adopted me, justified me, but the members of His family, make it so very difficult to stay. |

Feel kinda scared

Tho not sure I know why. Well, yes I probably do actually. Where you have that feeling of dread and know that more than likely all your worst fears, are about to be fufilled pretty soon. Though theres multiple things involved, in part of it, it feels like waiting for the final nail in my coffin.

Its kind of a foreboding against the expected, yet tho expected, you hoped and prayed it wasn't so. But, I'm feeling kind of scared, and have done all day. Its kind of hard sometimes when this feeling comes upon us, but, its one that seems to forever cycle at times in our lives.

On another note, I had an interesting car ride today. I buried the hatchet with my neighbour, the one who we fell out over the fence with. We agreed to just forget all about it. But, this woman, her husband and kids are all papists, the kids confirmed and everything, yet I got out of the car feeling almost dirty by the amount of gross words she used on a five minute journey. I mean it was the worst kind of language, I'm not being stuffy. F was in every sentence, I felt she was actually doing it on purpose. Almost felt like telling her the English language could be very rich and had other words it consisted of besides the ones she was using. I mean I can cuss, mildly, so are not being a prude. But this was gross. But, that's your good little catholics for you. You don't need God, or rightesouness, you just need to belong to the church.

I mentioned at the beginning of the week I thought I would have to format my hard drive. And that is not an easy thought these days, as I used to be able to do it with my eyes shut almost, now it can take five or six formats to actually get it right with my cognitive impairment. But, I backed all my files up that I don't actually need to have on the hard drive, which freed up about 40GB, and put them onto disc, and ran a registry cleaner check, and its working fine now. And then defragged the drive. As a little bonus on nifty little software proggies, I came across ashampoo, magical defrag. Anyone whose ever defraged, knows what a long labourious job it can be, and how ones computer becomes inaccessible whilst it is doing, which on a large drive can take all day! This programme runs in the background, and every time you want to use your computer it will stop, and then when you're not using it will restart again, it defragged my whole drive in a morning, and it continuously runs in the background once defragged so you never have to do a whole drive defrag again as it goes into action as soon as it needs to. Its a 30 day trial, but when that runs out at twelve US bucks to buy the proggie I'm tempted at least. So, this is the first time my computer has been so messed up and I've fixed it without the need for formatting, so that feels kinda nice given how many problems and how time laborious it becomes it can give me these days. The files I backed up onto disc to free up 40GB were almost exclusively, audio sermons, pics, videos, and music files, you know, the majority was REALLY important stuff!! ;-)

I normally go and see my dad on Thurs. But just aren't well enough to be out that long at the moment. So have told him if I don't make it tomorrow, will go early next week instead.

I guess one thing I feel resentful about, (amongst others) is that my former church, and I use that word loosely, when I was a member and travellling was getting difficult for me to attend members meetings I opened up my home for the meetings to be held here. And the leader of the church told me it worked well at my home as they had never had a venue where everyone felt so welcome and cared for. (for these meetings) But when I became sicker and sicker and was able to take part in nothing at all, they tossed me on the wayside. For a while the meetings I let continue here even tho often I would be upstairs in bed, and unable to attend to it downstairs, but knowing on those nights my dad had to be banished to his room and since I wasn't attending them even at my home, tactfully, suggested it would be easier for them to hold it elswhere. Which taking my dad into consideration and all things considered I think was fair. But by the above, it wasn't that people did not have a good time or feel welcome or that I was a misery guts. I had my down times the same as anyone else. But, I was cast on the wayside simply thru being unable through being sick. As times gone on and the more I've learned about stuff, in some ways I think I had a lucky escape. But in other ways, its dreadfully hard to know that an illness I live with that is so very hard to do so, left me on the outside just because of that. |

Thoughts on dying

Its really easy to want to die, when all you've got left to lose is your life. That's been on my mind alot lately. Being disabled makes you a person of no worth, your life or suffering of no account, to many people. You will be tossed on the scrap heap simply because you are unable. You are no longer a valued member of society, even in the Chrsitian world by many. People will steal any fight you have in you to over come, by making you and your life, worthless, meaningless, and purposeless. Its teh reasons behind many choosing to take assisted suicide when dealing with these long term degenerative illnesses. They realized when they have no worth or no value, they're just a burden to their loved ones. They can feel pressured into it, simply out of dury to their loved ones. The house of Lord's is debating legalizing assisted suicide in the UK this week. Start of the slippery slope? Maybe, but if society didn't make people who are weaker in whatever way, feel worthless and rob there life of every little bit of value and worth and all they are left with is suffering, and their life is meaningless to them, themselves and of no account to anyone else, then maybe it wouldn't be the choice of many even if it was legalized. |

Yikes, it shouldn't happen to a ?

[updated blog]

I showered not long ago, and made myself respectable, rather late in the day but it can take me ages to get my day going and get things done sometimes. And after coming out of the shower was forced to look in the mirror to tidy myself up, (to look in the mirror is not a choice I easily make these days) and I have a GIANT ZIT! (GASP) I haven't had one for a few years tho before that got them regularly, and my body has been behaving quite oddly in some ways, not neccessarily good ways, but definitely in strange ways it did for years before I knew I was ill, and had no explanation as to why. But this reversing in some ways, think must be tied in with the zit!! My symptoms haven't rescinded at all unfortunately despite the pre illness likeness in the way my body is acting in some ways.

But, zits I can do without! My gran always used to tell me it was better to have a spot on your face than on ones reputation! But, if I go out, will put a paper bag over me head! Pics NOT forthcoming!

As a side not to this, and have no idea if its okay to talk of this in public. But, I had a reminder from my doctors via a letter that my birthday is not far away. I get it every year or so. But apparently the doctors would like me to spend my b'day being cevically screened!! I of course tossed the letter in the bin!! Poppycock! |

Satan endorses Bush

I'm sure he does endorse ANY of the political candidates today! As whether Bush or someone like Clinton, whether Blair or someone like John Prescott, its still a case of choosing a lesser evil. Is evil ever right to choose? WARNING! Adult language!

Satan Endorses Bush video

Most of my friends will know that I have had a long time love of Americans. I have no idea where it came from, but many folks in England actually loathe Americans, my dad, and a guy who was my best friend for years both did. Yet they couldn't dampen my love affair with America which started years before. But I am becoming transatlatnically business connected. I have used the same web hosting company in the UK for years. But needed an less expensive alternative that would also do for me what I needed. So, I gave my business to America. I ordered yesterday and paid by wire transfer, so in a few days, this webspace will be on American webspace. If my blog poofs for a while during the transfer that will likely be why as I shall have to republish it to the new webspace. |

Homosexual Gayness

Warning: The author of this post probably has no idea what she's talking about, but its how it seems. For reasons I won't go into, knowing much about stuff like this never came my way. being incarcerated in the nut house for so many years for so long, didn't allow for it. Its not cos I'm stupid. Or not totally.

There was a movie on with ellen degeneres tonite on the bbc. I wasn't watching it, but had it on as background noise. I used to LOVE ellen, the sit com until she turned into a homosexual lesbian. I stopped watching it at that point, but every friday nite up till that point I would watch it religously. My father who was downstairs watching his own programmes, said he always knew when I was watching that, as he never heard me laugh so hard as I used to at that programme. He said she was a modern day Lucy with her escapades. But I digress!! But Ms Degeneres was in this movie tonite. Has she unturned from being gay now? As she was kissing men! I mean I am no sexpert on any thing much, but it seems to me if you are attracted to the same sex, you would not want to cannoodle or snog with a member of the opposite sex even in the movies. So, this says to me that homosexual gayness is indeed a choice rather than a thing that can't be helped. I kiss dogs, just so's folks know. As close human contact I find hard. I'm fast going back to my inital long held belief that dogs/animals in general are far better than people. They will never turn away from you. even if cruelly treated, often a dog wont turn on its master. Much like most abused children will protect and defend their absuers. But this whole homosexual gayness thing is way out of hand. They infiltrate our schools, churches, and make it seem normal or okay. If you're not a homosexual gay, you may even be thought odd in some quarters! Why can't folks be normal, civil, loving, kind, merciful, compassionate, and most of all, kind to each other while not defying the laws of creation. But homosexual gayness, is one of those things I don't think I get very well.

On another note on love interest, I found out a few weeks ago, that a guy at my dad's nursing home has taken a shine to me!! Only problem is, he's around 15 years my jujior and is a muslim called Mohammed!! But it was a nice thought. |

Pearl Harbour

I watched the movie Pearl Harbour tonite. I'm a sucker for a love story, tho love only exists in any form in the movies, this world sure seems totally barren of it to me. But the movie captured many aspects of love as it should exist. Between both men and them and a woman. two men both loved the same woman and the one woman loved both of them. And in the end the humanity of each, the love they each had for the other, let the rivalry and jealousy fade into insignificance so that they could all get along without animosity. Of course it was a bit corny in places how the story worked out, but one of the more watchable movies nonetheless. If only a fraction of love as portrayed in movies existed in reality, in whatever form of relationships, this world would would be a less largely cruel place. |

This 'n That

A couple of free useful computer utilities I found in the last week or so, is from Fresh Devices And its still my experience that Yankee Doodle dandy folks are the most insular folks I know, and things like mostly having any idea its not the same time all over the world as it maybe in any given time zone in America passes them completely by most of the time. So, Microsoft's Time Zone may be useful! And what seems like a useful web site bulding utility for the none geek is also HERE

I got up in horrendous pain and decided to make some phone calls early on, as I don't know as the day pans out if I would be up to it later in the day. One of them was to my dad. I made four altogether and had another more important (for me at least) than the others to make but are now too shattered to make it, at least now!! Stuff like that can be very grrr making. As its rather pathetic that using my voice wears me out so much, but it does because I have to think about it all the time to get it to project, add to that I can't take a breathe without thinking about it either, the whole business becomes very hard work!!

The George Bush family tree has some black sheep in the family too, according to this report:

HARTFORD, Conn. - A Yale University historian has uncovered a 1918 letter that seems to lend validity to the lore that Yale University's ultra-secret Skull and Bones society swiped the skull of American Indian leader Geronimo.

The letter, written by one member of Skull and Bones to another, purports that the skull and some of the Indian leader's remains were spirited from his burial plot in Fort Sill, Okla., to a stone tomb in New Haven that serves as the club's headquarters.

According to Skull and Bones legend, members — including
President Bush's grandfather, Prescott Bush — dug up Geronimo's grave when a group of Army volunteers from Yale were stationed at the fort during World War I. Geronimo died in 1909. Full story

If I can find the energy later on, I may start backing up my files to reformat my hard drives, as both of them are down to the last few gigs! And a few things are not working well. Will see how the day goes.


Have a nice day! |

Entertainment-The order of the day

Entertainment, celebs and stuff sure seems to be the order of the day as far as web searches go. Yahoo has a feature where you can see what the top searches are for any given week and both in the US and the UK entertainment of one kind or another exclusively fill the leader boards. |

Poem

[updated blog]

I'm sicker right now, and things are bearing down in body, mind and soul. things that never go away for very long, as life doesn't allow them to. But rather than try to even say any of it, this poem really expresses life as a whole in many ways:

Sometimes I want to cry,
sometimes I want to die,
sometimes I want to fly,
I wish it never happened.

I thought this was an interesting question with some interesting answers. "If you know you are better than everyone else, what's wrong with being arrogant?" |

Ain't love grand?

I guess not many folks have not heard of David Blaine and his properstours attempts at human defying feats? Fearless Houdin or publicity freak who is a bit loopy? I know what I think, and think his latest dare which ended last night re-inforces it

I mentioned in my comments about Tony Blair being George W's "yes" man and in his pocket, and good ole boy George says jump and Blair says "how high" this video tho comical makes the point quite well!! I've decided rather than slowing the web page down by loading cos of embedded videos from now on to just provide the alternative link where they can be seen for those who connections fast enough and wish to do so.

Alternative URL |

The weak and poor of the world

Ever notice how the world favours the rich and powerful rather than the poor or lowly? Its like, if someone is struggling financially, they may get overdrawn on their bank account. Rather than the bank seeing they are in a fix and help them get back in the black they will stick a dirty big fee on them so they are even more in debt than what they started out at!

A couple may be happily co-existing in the normal throes of family life. What if the husband dies, and leave a widow and one, two, or more children behind? The woman not only having to deal with the loss of her beloved, and finding ways to make ends meet so her off-spring don't suffer in ways they shouldn't have to, may start to struggle financially. She has lost her husbands income, which may have been substantial. But she still has most of the same expenses involved in running the home and providing for her children. What do the big companies or government do? Rather than letting her continue with many of the concessions married couples will get, they then penalize her for being a widow, and she is in fact far worse off financially than she was when her husband was alive, but now because they have taken off the concessions and she still has most of the same outgoings, she is expected to pay out more money, on a fraction of the budget she had when her husband was alive. So, again, she may get into difficulties. The world has gone mad!! The bible talks of taking care of widows and orphans, yet the above proves, its far removed from how society works in any way at all!! |

Quote of the Day

"Such is pure and genuine religion, namely, confidence in God coupled with
serious fear-fear, which both includes in it willing reverence, and brings
along with it such legitimate worship as is prescribed by the law. And it
ought to be more carefully considered that all men promiscuously do
homage to God, but very few truly reverence him. On all hands there is
abundance of ostentatious ceremonies, but sincerity of heart is rare." [John Calvin]

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Obedience

This experiment I found somewhat interesting. I thought it was genuine, and that the punishment was to help see how fast someone learned, which required them to remember stuff. It seemed relevant to many things, as I could be punished from now till doomsday and think I would never remember some things, but, I think everyone learns obedience, in some circumstances. Sometimes I have described myself as a little gerbil in cage getting shocked into submission. So, it seemed relevant, as sometimes that can seem how stuff feels. If for any reason the video doesn't work in the blog page it can be watched HERE

Watch video here |

Anyone want to join.. ?

The Ratzinger Rotweillers? Pope Benedicts personal fan club?

No, I thought not. I think I'll stick to weirdly walking on the wild side, as it may be hard, but tis safer!

And to wrap up my musings on internet privacy whilst surfing, I have found firefox to be by far the most cusotmizable browser to protect ones identity, with another little piece of privacy (Privoxy) software that was free. You can alter the config files in Firefox and if you tweak ones windows registry too, Bob's your uncle for remaining anonymous if you wish to and your computer not giving out loads of info out about your machine or anything else. I mean I have nothing to hide on my machine, and even if anyone did, I doubt surfing would make it known, but, its the whole principle of the thing Oh, well I do have an animated programme of Donald duck and tweety pie which walks all over my desk top and occassionally Donald blows bombs up! but apart from that, nothing to hide! (Seriously, its purely the principle!) |

What a Flake

Sometimes I feel such a flake. The Lord's day today, and I've been too sick to push on and get beyond it, it sometimes gets that way. Pain can be an awefully distracting phenomena, and it reaches that point where along with other problems, concentration is impossible for reading or understanding anything much one takes in.

I spent many months being angry, yet to what account? As I need every bit of strength I have to just not go under some days, in what life entails. Its hard and wearing and discouraging. And a worse time physically always seems to come right on top of a time of blessedness spiritually. The longer I go on, without remission of any kind, the more I believe our common enemy hates me with a vengeance. Though have no idea why. Its not as if I'm any threat to him in this world or are going to do anything big on God's behalf. But yes, often I feel a flake, because I don't have the ability to do anything much at all. And here alone its also pretty demoralizing in some respects. But the anger that led me to take King Kong on, (metaphorically) was vanity, as I need every bit of fight I have to just survive each day, and I mean that in the most literal sense. Sometimes giving up, seems like it would be so much easier and comfortable day to day. But the enemy would love me to believe that enough to do it. But yes, generally I feel a flake, and second class Christian. Some because of the above, some for other reasons outside of myself. But today has been pretty abysmal and a none starter for keeping the Lord's day as intended or meant or desired. The spirits willing, but the flesh is weak.

As a side note I've put some collapsable boxes on my side bar, (courtesy of flooble) but the feeds for recent entries and recent comments for some reason right now are hit and miss to if they're working. Its not the boxes its the feeds. Firefox also seems not to like them. |