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Ponderizations of a Crazy Calvinist
Blagging for England from the persecuted church

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Choosing a legacy.



I used to write extensively. Used to get paid for it. And before the prose came the poetry Both of which, as my brain drifted off into streams of its own accord,; the ability to remember anything written, let alone the ability to do vamooshed And had an intense dislike of poetry, as I could never understand it, and guess it reminded me of things lost.&nbsp; (abilities)

But have had two lines for the beginning of a poem,; in my mind the past week or so,; and can't shake them.&nbsp; I worry about things that just pop into your head of no accord.; Are they of God,; or  from the enemy? And yet, after perhaps more than 17 years of drought I can't shift this line.  I'm talking about leaving things undone which  we would rather not. obviously we don't pull the strings as to "when" we meet God, from a human perspective,; we all have thoughts about itWould it be a sin:Would it be a sin to go to bed and die

Maybe it comes from something I thought a week or two ago. That we all live on a timescale of uncertainty  None of us know when this life will be through ; And perhaps I think about things to do with mortality a little more than I used to now,; by ;knowing and experiencing how fragile life is,; I ask this question,; which I think gives a basis for prioritising what is important.&nbsp; if I died tonight, is there anything that if I knew it was going to happen, I wish I had done, or said to someone; that if left undone would matter to those  left behind
 

I'm sure we've all lost loved ones in circumstances we wish had been different.; Or maybe the whole relationship&nbsp; had been different, that by the very nature of it, has left us with regrets when the person has died.; But we can't alter time,; or turn back the clocks and change things.; (heck!; I've tried to do that for half a lifetime!); But having been in that position of regret,; when the person has gone,; wouldn't like to leave the same legacy.&nbsp;

So, I get mad a lot. Mad as a flipping hatter! But,; be angry and sin not. And; my anger is getting easier to keep controlled.; Though it still gets my goat how much sometimes I wrestle with it.; But angry words before bed,; I have done away with completely.; As I know how one of these nights, I could go to bed,; more than the norm would be expected for someone my age,; and not get up again.; And I don't want to hear those words that keep coming into my head as the start of a poem,&nbsp; would it be a sin, to go to bed and die. And feel the sting of  regret of my own words to another&nbsp; as I leave this mortal coil.
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5/15/2004 06:23:00 am :: ::

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Friday, May 14, 2004
A Big Whopper!         

(Big Whopper at least means here a big lie.  and the pic has nothing to do with anything,  except I am sure it resembles  the big whopper,   (another usage of the term here)  Lyssa caught while she sat nodding on the river-bank!)

The Big Whopper in reference,  is seeing as this came up,  and I do hear  people I know who are believers,  speak of real suicidal tendencies.    Its one thing,  to have a thought, another to act upon it.  But,  we all have our own demons we deal with.  This is no longer one of my demons,  tho the enemy would like it to be.  And it can be hard to handle,  with a minds eye view of looking back. 


Augustine said: "Men, by taking away their present life, deny themselves their future life."  Which is I guess what I was referring to about dying that way,  when obviously by the very nature of it,  one can never repent of it." 

And seeing as satan's biggest sin,  is wanting to be God,  it doesn't take very far to see,  that if one does do that,  then we are playing God with life and death.  Whether its Euthanisia, (blech how ungodly things get technical names so easily!)  or murder of another human, or self murder,  its still usurping God's place in the order of things.

"I dare not say they are not saved, because of their sinful death.  Yet for the temptation itself, I say, if a man does not yield to it; as their is no duty which a Godly man performs, but a wicked man may do the same yet remain wicked; so their is no temptation which a wicked man may yield unto but a Godly man may be tempted into, yet remain Godly."

(not sure if that quote is by William Perkins or William Bridges- tis on page 160 of a lifting up of the downcast anyhow!)

I think at least the second quote makes the good point, that even when we see someone else,  a brother or sister,  wrestling with some temptation,  that even if its something we think we would never wrestle with ourselves,  temptation can come to any of us. 

I think one of the scariest things in medicine today,  is how cheap life has become.  In Holland one can be euthanised simply if one is depressed and has lost the will to live.   We make babies to then go on and use their bodies to heal us.  And not counting the millions of unborn babies that never make it alive into the world, cos they are murdered in the mothers stomache by a surgical procedure.   
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5/14/2004 01:56:00 am :: ::

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Thursday, May 13, 2004
I remember a year of two ago,  my most sought after answer is:  Is there ever anyone who wants to saved by God,  and wonder if they are,  but aren't sure,  and tho they want to,  they aren't.  I got a book,  that was supposed to answer this question,  and in it the writer said no,  no one ever wants to be saved,  who isn't.  Cos  in man's natural estate,  they do not want to be.    Don't folks who may  have false assurance want this?  They must believe they are, for it to be false,  and want to be,  to believe it, and live the life they do,   even tho they in actual fact they are not.

The only conclusion I could come to,  is that if they want to be,  they will be, but in God's timing,  not their own faulty logic and reasoning.

One of my favourite movies is a few good men,  with Tom Cruise,   and when someone says to Jack Nicholson I think, "You can't handle the truth!"     And think its an estate common to man,  in that we would rather believe a lie,  then face the truth.    Its easier,  it gets us through better,  it gives us more comfort.    To face the truth about anything,  often removes our comfort zone,  and makes things harder.   Yet,  if the truth is to be grasped,  fully, and unswervingly,  so that we don't pervert it,   and make the final outcome,  the complete opposite to what we want cos by perverting the truth we are sinning.     Thomas doubted,  but when he saw the resurrected Christ,  he grabbed the truth with both hands and  it was his,  and he at once claimed Jesus,  with the term,  "my"  Lord and "my"  God.      There was no hesitancy or doubt that the saviour was His.    Oh, that we should all have such,  unswerving faith.

Question: What are the Sins Forbidden in the Third Commandment?


Answer:


The sins forbidden in the third commandment are, the not using of God�s name as is required; a and the abuse of it in an ignorant, b vain, c irreverent, profane, d superstitious, e or wicked mentioning, or otherwise using his titles, attributes, f ordinances, g or works, h by blasphemy, i perjury; j all sinful cursings, k oaths, l vows, m and lots; n violating of our oaths and vows, if lawful; o and fulfilling them, if of things unlawful; p murmuring and quarreling at, q curious prying into, r and misapplying of God�s decrees s and providences; t misinterpreting, u misapplying, v or any way perverting the word, or any part of it, w to profane jests, x curious or unprofitable questions, vain janglings, or the maintaining of false doctrines; y abusing it, the creatures, or any thing contained under the name of God, to charms, z or sinful lusts and practices; a the maligning, b scorning, c reviling, d or any wise opposing of God�s truth, grace, and ways; e making profession of religion in hypocrisy, or for sinister ends; f being ashamed of it, g or a shame to it, by unconformable, h unwise, i unfruitful, j and offensive walking, k or backsliding from it. l




Smith, M. H. 1996, c1990. Larger catechism of the Westminster Confession Standards.
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5/13/2004 01:01:00 pm :: ::

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Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Petaphillia   


Just when I thought I had heard and seen it all,  and we couldn't sink any lower into the depths of depravity,  I came across this article:
  Petaphillia

(an excerpt)
"Why can't we have marriages between people and pets?" the bishop of Brooklyn recently remarked. "I mean, pets really love their masters"?and, let's face it, the feeling is usually mutual. "

I had never heard of this beastie thing till a while ago,  and thought is a sick joke!  Anyone knows I have a passion for animals,   but I have a passion for messing on computers too,  it don't mean to say I want to marry it! 

The article is largely dealing with homosexuality,  and stuff about that.  of Which Romans 1 has much to say.  And in the OT. it is described as an  abomination to God.    And Genesis 2 is very clear on what constitutes marriage and this ain't it!

Well,  the description on this blog says its about the world going to hell in a hand-basket,  and guess that would include the world going to bed in a dog-basket too!
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5/12/2004 02:51:00 pm :: ::

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Well, not dog tired, but close!

Off to bed...but from someone who can drop to sleep in the most unconventional of places at the nod of an eye,  I mean I have nodded off before now,  while stood leaning against a wall... in the middle of a busy place!  But I can totally relate to this kitty!  And hope not to copy her on waking tomorrow!  I also can'at help wondering if this kitty is related to the one a few blogs ago in the movie.  Ever been as tired as this?





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5/12/2004 05:03:00 am :: ::

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A Write off! Tho not quite! 

 

Today was pretty much a day to write off.  After over a week of increased pain issues,  which wasn't helped a fat lot by pills,  I sank into a deep depressive state.  And was trying to guard my heart,  from the thoughts that are never far away  at those times.  They're not compulsions,  as in I think it, I wonder if I should do it,  but the thoughts alone coming,  can be very  disconcerting.   I hear of other Christians,  talk openly of suicidal tendencies.  And  from someone whose been there done that in unbelief,  (tho obviously unsuccessfully!)  I can't speak for them,  as I don't know them or their hearts well enough,  but I think after  half a natural lifetime of living with anything,   like having milk on your cornflakes or whatever  anything can be habit forming.   And those thoughts become a pattern,  that tho they maybe less,  and nothing more than a mere thought that pops in your head and no intent of acting on it,  I think  it is learned behaviour.  Albeit  maybe self-taught.  The lethargy and  depressive state was no doubt aggravated by hormonal issues,  which have a habit of sending things spiralling.

So, I got up.  And rather than saying morning to my friends in places far and wide,  I was quiet.  Sometimes my voice don't work,  yet when it does at other times,  I don't want it!  (vocally that is)  And basically spoke to not a soul either by letter or mouth.  It would have been easy to let those thoughts come,   and be over-whelmed with grief once again.  So,   I've got my business website up and running again after a small hitch ,and a while ago,  had an idea to put a sub-domain onto it,  exclusively for selling web and blog templates.  And set about expermenting on this  on this blog.  What is showing is the finished result.  And figure with a few minor tweaks,  and alterations can probably get at least ten,  (each slightly different)  from the one design,  to put up on the site, and maybe sell.    I set about this today,  to keep me from thinking.  As I can only think of literally one thing at a time now.  I was joking with Beth earlier,  how I used to IM with her,  and would  go to do something for a  minute,  say brb,  come back and forgot she was there waiting.  I joke,  but,   at the time felt aweful I had just forgotten her through such a minor distraction.  Yet,  guess there was a reason lurking  that back then was unknown.  Anyhow,  today could've been written off, wiped out,  and I could've been too,  if not for God.   Sometimes I think God's  bottle ain't big enough to hold my tears,   yet considering what  these times of lowness used to bring out, in times gone by,  I know that God is big enough for anything.  The thoughts may come at times,  and they may be persistent at times,  the wanting to act on them never is.  And I believe with my whole heart,  the thoughts only come,  cos they are learned behaviour and thoguht patterns,   that lasted over 30 years.    Suicide leads to death.  As tho I believe all our sins past, present and future are forgiven,   if you murder yourself,  you won't have chance to repent of it,  before you meet God.  Remeber that dreadful song way back when,  "Suicide is painless"  that was sang to the theme from Mash?   

I was listening to a docu on BBC tv a few weeks ago.  About web sites set up specifically to help people kill themselves.  The parents of an eighteen year old boy was on,   and he had never had any suicidal tendencies,  and never even been depressed till he started visiting those web sites.  There are also websites who make the figures of  starved Anorexics,  seem the most atrtractive thing in the world to young girls and women visiting.   And once hooked,  they then teach them how to be anorexics,  and how to hide the fact,  and make it harder for people to know,  and therefore they can more easily starve themselves to death, and they get no help, cos no one knows or suspects.    We shouldnt be surprised at the depravity of the human heart,  yet the above two things when listening about it,  I did find shocking and sickening.

These people are normal,  (whatever that is) people till they go to these websites.  They then go on to have their lives destroyed,  and become helpless, depressed and  despairing before either by suicide or slow starvation kill themselves.  Suicide is painless?  yeah right! 

Endurance and perseverance is the key! 

The topic of this blog is entirely coincidental with
Jerry's Blog of a few days ago.  Was just one of those days! 
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5/12/2004 04:26:00 am :: ::

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Monday, May 10, 2004
Tony Blair!  Ignorance is Bliss!   


Though if one actually believes he doesn't "know" all the things he says he "don't know" he must me the most ill-informed govt leader in the world today!

Is Bush the law?

It is well known here,  That P.M Blair,  would be President of Europe if he could.  I don't ever reacall having a leader so obviously power-hungry, in this country in my life-time.  The President of Europe as in him wishing for it,  is often a talking point among many diverse folks here.  Government lies and dirty-dealing have  followed this government since they first came into power.  Suicides in high places,  of which the govt was thought to have a  key role,  but nothing could be proved.  I heard one of his own ministers (Claire Short) say on BBC radio that Tony Blair was  corrupt.

I think when Tony Blair was first elected, seven years ago,  I did vote for him.  I don't actually remember.  But have decided to abstain from voting in all future cases.  There maybe a general election this year or next,  but the Labour party,  of which Tony Blair is leader,  has no decent moral,  Godly alternative.  And to vote for any government which stands  here presently,  would be  going against  Deut 1:13-15

I have heard the arguments about voting the lesser of the two evils,  and dont' think voting for any evil would be a good choice.  (who in their right mind,  encourages any evil at all?) If Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden,  were both putting up in Merry Ole England to get re-elected,  should we try to work out which one of them is less evil,  and  vote for them?

What we need is revival.  For God to raise up men to be Godly leaders.    Otherwise, His judgements will continue to fall.  And seeing the state of the world around,  I wonder why The Judgement hasn't come already!

Jer 36:7


"AT the period which we have now reached, Henry VIII. displayed in a


more and more marked manner that autocratic disposition which submits


to control. He lifted up or cast down; he crowned men with honors or sent


them to the scaffold. He pronounced things white or black as suited him,


and was no other rule but his own absolute and power. A simple and


modest princess was of the first to learn by experience that he was a in his


family as well as in church and state."
by J.H. Merle d�Aubigne


(seems to be almost paradoxical in terms of being power hungry as Tony Blair!)

Tony Blair is a Liar!

G. K. Chesterton

"If there were no God, there would be no Atheists."

Oh Yikes, sounds like its  thundering!  I hope it is thunder and not  Tony Blair  sent his hit squad to gag me!
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5/10/2004 05:58:00 pm :: ::

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Sunday, May 09, 2004
You Are Romans
You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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5/09/2004 04:33:00 am :: ::

Crazy Calvinist :: permalink