Wednesday, May 12, 2004
A Write off! Tho not quite! 
Today was pretty much a day to write off. After over a week of increased pain issues, which wasn't helped a fat lot by pills, I sank into a deep depressive state. And was trying to guard my heart, from the thoughts that are never far away at those times. They're not compulsions, as in I think it, I wonder if I should do it, but the thoughts alone coming, can be very disconcerting. I hear of other Christians, talk openly of suicidal tendencies. And from someone whose been there done that in unbelief, (tho obviously unsuccessfully!) I can't speak for them, as I don't know them or their hearts well enough, but I think after half a natural lifetime of living with anything, like having milk on your cornflakes or whatever anything can be habit forming. And those thoughts become a pattern, that tho they maybe less, and nothing more than a mere thought that pops in your head and no intent of acting on it, I think it is learned behaviour. Albeit maybe self-taught. The lethargy and depressive state was no doubt aggravated by hormonal issues, which have a habit of sending things spiralling.
So, I got up. And rather than saying morning to my friends in places far and wide, I was quiet. Sometimes my voice don't work, yet when it does at other times, I don't want it! (vocally that is) And basically spoke to not a soul either by letter or mouth. It would have been easy to let those thoughts come, and be over-whelmed with grief once again. So, I've got my business website up and running again after a small hitch ,and a while ago, had an idea to put a sub-domain onto it, exclusively for selling web and blog templates. And set about expermenting on this on this blog. What is showing is the finished result. And figure with a few minor tweaks, and alterations can probably get at least ten, (each slightly different) from the one design, to put up on the site, and maybe sell. I set about this today, to keep me from thinking. As I can only think of literally one thing at a time now. I was joking with Beth earlier, how I used to IM with her, and would go to do something for a minute, say brb, come back and forgot she was there waiting. I joke, but, at the time felt aweful I had just forgotten her through such a minor distraction. Yet, guess there was a reason lurking that back then was unknown. Anyhow, today could've been written off, wiped out, and I could've been too, if not for God. Sometimes I think God's bottle ain't big enough to hold my tears, yet considering what these times of lowness used to bring out, in times gone by, I know that God is big enough for anything. The thoughts may come at times, and they may be persistent at times, the wanting to act on them never is. And I believe with my whole heart, the thoughts only come, cos they are learned behaviour and thoguht patterns, that lasted over 30 years. Suicide leads to death. As tho I believe all our sins past, present and future are forgiven, if you murder yourself, you won't have chance to repent of it, before you meet God. Remeber that dreadful song way back when, "Suicide is painless" that was sang to the theme from Mash?
I was listening to a docu on BBC tv a few weeks ago. About web sites set up specifically to help people kill themselves. The parents of an eighteen year old boy was on, and he had never had any suicidal tendencies, and never even been depressed till he started visiting those web sites. There are also websites who make the figures of starved Anorexics, seem the most atrtractive thing in the world to young girls and women visiting. And once hooked, they then teach them how to be anorexics, and how to hide the fact, and make it harder for people to know, and therefore they can more easily starve themselves to death, and they get no help, cos no one knows or suspects. We shouldnt be surprised at the depravity of the human heart, yet the above two things when listening about it, I did find shocking and sickening.
These people are normal, (whatever that is) people till they go to these websites. They then go on to have their lives destroyed, and become helpless, depressed and despairing before either by suicide or slow starvation kill themselves. Suicide is painless? yeah right!
Endurance and perseverance is the key!
The topic of this blog is entirely coincidental with Jerry's Blog of a few days ago. Was just one of those days! |
