Feel kinda scared

Tho not sure I know why. Well, yes I probably do actually. Where you have that feeling of dread and know that more than likely all your worst fears, are about to be fufilled pretty soon. Though theres multiple things involved, in part of it, it feels like waiting for the final nail in my coffin.

Its kind of a foreboding against the expected, yet tho expected, you hoped and prayed it wasn't so. But, I'm feeling kind of scared, and have done all day. Its kind of hard sometimes when this feeling comes upon us, but, its one that seems to forever cycle at times in our lives.

On another note, I had an interesting car ride today. I buried the hatchet with my neighbour, the one who we fell out over the fence with. We agreed to just forget all about it. But, this woman, her husband and kids are all papists, the kids confirmed and everything, yet I got out of the car feeling almost dirty by the amount of gross words she used on a five minute journey. I mean it was the worst kind of language, I'm not being stuffy. F was in every sentence, I felt she was actually doing it on purpose. Almost felt like telling her the English language could be very rich and had other words it consisted of besides the ones she was using. I mean I can cuss, mildly, so are not being a prude. But this was gross. But, that's your good little catholics for you. You don't need God, or rightesouness, you just need to belong to the church.

I mentioned at the beginning of the week I thought I would have to format my hard drive. And that is not an easy thought these days, as I used to be able to do it with my eyes shut almost, now it can take five or six formats to actually get it right with my cognitive impairment. But, I backed all my files up that I don't actually need to have on the hard drive, which freed up about 40GB, and put them onto disc, and ran a registry cleaner check, and its working fine now. And then defragged the drive. As a little bonus on nifty little software proggies, I came across ashampoo, magical defrag. Anyone whose ever defraged, knows what a long labourious job it can be, and how ones computer becomes inaccessible whilst it is doing, which on a large drive can take all day! This programme runs in the background, and every time you want to use your computer it will stop, and then when you're not using it will restart again, it defragged my whole drive in a morning, and it continuously runs in the background once defragged so you never have to do a whole drive defrag again as it goes into action as soon as it needs to. Its a 30 day trial, but when that runs out at twelve US bucks to buy the proggie I'm tempted at least. So, this is the first time my computer has been so messed up and I've fixed it without the need for formatting, so that feels kinda nice given how many problems and how time laborious it becomes it can give me these days. The files I backed up onto disc to free up 40GB were almost exclusively, audio sermons, pics, videos, and music files, you know, the majority was REALLY important stuff!! ;-)

I normally go and see my dad on Thurs. But just aren't well enough to be out that long at the moment. So have told him if I don't make it tomorrow, will go early next week instead.

I guess one thing I feel resentful about, (amongst others) is that my former church, and I use that word loosely, when I was a member and travellling was getting difficult for me to attend members meetings I opened up my home for the meetings to be held here. And the leader of the church told me it worked well at my home as they had never had a venue where everyone felt so welcome and cared for. (for these meetings) But when I became sicker and sicker and was able to take part in nothing at all, they tossed me on the wayside. For a while the meetings I let continue here even tho often I would be upstairs in bed, and unable to attend to it downstairs, but knowing on those nights my dad had to be banished to his room and since I wasn't attending them even at my home, tactfully, suggested it would be easier for them to hold it elswhere. Which taking my dad into consideration and all things considered I think was fair. But by the above, it wasn't that people did not have a good time or feel welcome or that I was a misery guts. I had my down times the same as anyone else. But, I was cast on the wayside simply thru being unable through being sick. As times gone on and the more I've learned about stuff, in some ways I think I had a lucky escape. But in other ways, its dreadfully hard to know that an illness I live with that is so very hard to do so, left me on the outside just because of that. |