Vindication from the shadows

Sometimes, things that can last almost a life time, turn out to be never what they seem.

I spent decades, being thought a psychotic lunatic. All because a physical illness I had went undiagnosed. Schizoprhenic, epileptic, institutionalized.. all words that were bandied around in my world and seemed as if they would forever be. Yet, I remember when the porphyria first came into the picture, and I told a friend, the genetics doctors were convinced this was my problem. The friend said What a picture, to have such a desease all those years, and no one knew, what grace God had given all those years. And not sure I got the full gist of what she meant, but, I did at last feel vindicated, for all the misdiagnoses, mis-treatments, the years incarcerated inside the nut house, and the long held to belief that I would end my days in the nut house, all had a reason outside of what had been expected. VINDICATION, had arrived in only a way that God could. As much as in some ways I hate this desease, as it can be so very hard to cope with, there is really no other disease that would have in one fell swoop, vindicated me and my sanity both past, present and future, the way this particular disease has.

And so we walk on through life. Vindications arrive in all kinds of subtle forms or shades. I had a few grrr making hours yesterday, over a relative. And it continued for most of today, frustration kind of thing, and YET, this also has left me feeling VINDICATED. Folks will often only see the surface of any one person. They never know what makes them tick, or what goes on under the surface, or what really lies behind some people. They are GOOD at covering their tracks. I always used to refer to Pope John Paul as a "nice old man". Yet how many people did he lead into hell? The same can be said in all walks of life. And I think its true in many instances that you have to live with someone to actually know them. Anyone can put on a good act for an hour or two, and an hour or two consistently over years, at set intervals so that the picture you see when with them all the time is not the picture everyone else sees. And if you try to put your point across which you know is valid, they dont' see it, think you're being paranoid, unfair, or just plain ungracious. They will think ill of you rather than thinking you just might possibly be right, about someone they have always seen on their best behaviour. Yet, a little bit of you knows, that, other do suspect, those who have been in the frame many years, perhaps family, or as good as. They do see a bit of the same picture as you, yet, yours is much more stark, much more real, much more vivid. And the frustration that a person who can so give one face to the world, while showing those closest to them another, is one of the most oppressing, frustrating things I can think of. And yet, something happens. Life moves on. Someone else or perhaps multiple other people are suddenly present on the scene. And you know you have to live with someone to know the real them. At least in many cases. And suddenly the outsiders who are constantly on the scene, see what you have seen, what has driven you beyond bounds for emotional stress, and made you feel insane with rage because you were so helpless lto do anything about it, and suddenly you are again, VINDICATED.

Two kids in a family. Maybe more. One is a nice looking, butter wouldn't melt in their mouth kind of kid. The other a bit of a rogue. People will always believe the worst of the rogue, yet could not believe so and so, (the angel who butter wouldn't melt) could EVER do such a thing. Appearances can be deceptive. Its a bit like some adults will hide their sin much more easily than others do or can, so its probably easier to think better of them. In all shades of life. Things are not always what they say on the packet. (I say this sincerely now) things will be completely otherwise to the view you get whilst having a brief visitation or interlude. What goes on behind closed doors, remains in the recesses of those inside mind and heart. So, people are complicated. But, there are two sides to every story. You may think the Mr Brown two doors down, who got into his car, with his kids, and drove while over the alcohol limit reckless, and careless, and you would be right. But, perhaps Mr Average, three doors up, who mows Old Mrs Parkers lawn for her when her husband died, or took little Johnny (her nephew) to the football game, after his father left his mother, is a right solid, good, nice, decent guy. Yet, maybe Mr Brown, had a black moment once in ten years, and tho a serious breach and lack of responsibility on his part, perhaps for the next ten years, he will be so pedantic about his families safety, that to think he could ever be so reckless as to drive over the limit is unthinkable. Yet, then theres Mrs Parkers lawn mower, Mr Dependable, maybe, Mr Dependable, is only Mr Dependable to the world outside his door, maybe Mr Dependable, on his own territory, is as different as East from West, and inside his own territory maybe it creates oppression, anger, and alot more negative things besides. But, it seems to me, whatever it is in life, that one day, such as like with my long history of wrong diagnoses and wrong treatments, that God will vindicate the shadows we live in, and they will not remain our shadows alone forever, because as we become vindicated from within the shadows, we know, its not something we have to fight to be believed now. Others have seen or experienced it too. It wasn't YOU, being an odd ball, or irrational, or just plain starking mad. And though it can be initially frustrating, VINDICATION, can be very sweet. |