Bitter Herbs

Sometimes this world just seems so hard to remain in, when such a beggar and so poor in it. I hear any what should be good news, it often leaves me weeping without seemingly any end. Not because I don't think the news be good, or that I'm not glad for whoever has had the good news, but, it can be a stark reminder how life left me behind, and someone elses good news, can often mean a loss for me in my life and circumstances. Sometimes, when everyone else is celebrating or joyful, I think I must be the only person who weeps over the same thing that caused jubilation for others. So, yes, this world can seem very hard to remain in, as just being in it, at times, leaves bitter herbs to eat. But I knew *this* was coming, so, its better than when something whacks you out of the blue I guess.

What the court decided on the case of Angela Channing in my previous post on that subject, on circumstances alone "for one baby to die of SIDS was a tragedy, two was suspicious, three was murder" feels similar to how I feel about families. To lose one is hard luck, to lose two, (and I am doing with my dad as he is, my last remaining close relative) is carless, to lose 3, is, downright foolhardy.

Everyone understands suffering to their own degree of it. But those folks who have said I can't pretend to understand what you go through, are honest at least and don't belittle what they can't understand. As if I was experiencing normal or ordinary degrees of suffering, it would be common and you could find the same kind of suffering on any street corner. But, how many of us think we can understand what Job experienced? No, we can't. And he like me, because it is not common to mankind, are experiencing extraodinary suffering as Calvin termed it. If any ole Tom, Dick or Harry was able to understand, it would be quite ordinary, and not out of the norm. To say any different is illogical at best. Of course there are others who suffer as greatly or perhaps more, but, they are not people within my circle of Christian friends. Though as stated in the first place, everyone understands suffering to the degree they experience it. And some of there degrees are great too in their own way, and I have no intent of belittling there suffering. But that doesn't stop me still maintaining the above. As normal every day affliction does not stop because one has a heavy cross to bear all the days of our lives. And this is why it can be easy to feel judged, as there but for the grace of God could go anyone. And I've seen how some others at least do not handle lesser suffering well at all. Tho its no one who as far as I know reads this blog.

I had planned to go out this PM. But knew I didn't have it in me without having a cat-nap first. So, I went to lay down and dozed off, when I wokied up three hours had disappeared! And for other physical reasons on waking don't feel like going out now at all, so shall leave it till tomorrow. (DV)

I'm turning the puter off, at this point not sure when I shall turn it back on, at least to post here. The web was the only Christian contact, God gave me, yet sometimes it feels impossibly hard not to pull the plug, as whether in actual life or virtual, just existing can tear at my flesh. Yet anyone who is living and not brain dead, needs some kind of outlet, which is why I never quite manage to pull the plug. Posts at the puritannical blog will continue even if I take a break from here, which I'm not sure as of yet, but, sometimes, lifes just too hard to speak unemotionally. Life is like that, when you're left behind on an island. More especially when you're dying on it. If I do blog later it will be totally unrelated, as most of the time my emotions are far more believable than anything else may be just from the evidence and testimony of my life. |