On Being a Clown

Sometimes being the life and soul of the party can be wearing. It can also be a defense mechanicsm to hide vulnerability, or shyness. When I say life and soul of the party, I mean someone who will always act the clown and if theres a lull in the conversation or something awkward, a quick fire joke will soon remedy the situation, and others have a good time. And this has been a way of life for me since before I can remember. I had very little education, yet when I did attend school, "likes to act the clown" would forever be on my report card. And the clowning never really stopped. I think then often as much as now, it was to hide a tummult of emotional damage, that seemed insurpassable. But often, you don't let the people see the real you by always being the clown and the fool who will keep people laughing with your dying breath. God gifted me with a whacky sense of humour that probably even internally lets me not feel things all of the time as much as if I was more sober, and swear its got me through many trials that could have ended worse than they did. And the humourous clowning kind of attracts people. No one likes a misery guts. But sometimes the last years, I would be acting a clown while once again dying inside. I'm not sure I even know how to switch it off, or if I ever want to, as if I do, I may just feel more than I can stand. But put on a happy face, can sometimes mean almost lying. As folks don't see the tummult or heart ache going on inside. And sometimes you are afraid to let them to. As it feels like you may unstop a damn that is impossible to plug back up, and it leaves you vulnerable, and easy prey in some ways.

In some ways I like being a clown. The sweetest sound I know is laughter. Yet in other ways, it can be very wearing being the clown, who everything just bounces off. Yet inside it doesn't bounce off, it has hit its target pretty well. But still externally, the clown takes over and hides what can never be spoken of it feels. |