Laying on the floor

Are laying on the floor bleeding profusely right now, and don't know how to get back up. Me and my brain don't bode well for getting through these times in a timely manner. I think the me and my brain scenario is why it never goes away for very long and has increased in frequency the last months. As whatever my brain thinks, is mostly all I'm left with and often don't have the ability to fill it with anything truer. Being in isolation really is its own nightmare when in this kind of affliction.

Too absurd to be true or not, (and don't think the individual realized they were calling God absurd) from this side of it, its too true and realistic. But from this side of it, that single statement more or less confirmed, that people can't comprehend suffering to this degree mostly. Though are not saying theres not been those who haven't tried. And are not saying others don't suffer greatly too, but by its very nature, the path of extraordinary suffering, (as Calvin termed it) is not within usual or normal scope. Come to think of it I heard of a terrible story last night about social services, tho a different aspect of it. A 40 year old woman was moved to a new home, she was moving from an abusive husband, to what was considered safe place. she had no friends, not contacts, no one to look in on her, and in 2003 she died, her body was only discovered last week, the TV and the heating was on, (you can imagine the decomposition) the food in the fridge and freezer all dated back to 2003. Now this woman was not disabled, she was however, vulnerable and at risk. She lay dead for two years before even anyone noticed. A woman moving out of an abusive relationship needs people and friends and support not total isolation. I don't know what she died of or how she died, but, yes people do fall through the system, for various reasons. LINK I have learned to never accuse anyone of anything unless they condemn thereselves. A little too late in the day maybe for me to learn this, as I put two and two togetehr for months and months in other relationships, and came up with 78. I still bleed over that, every time I am as low as now. As I think the enemy knew exactly where to strike to cause maximum damage, and he has and I was the fool who was decieved. Someone wise told me years ago that suspicion is a form of anger. Its hard to be called a liar or deceptive unjustly in any circumstnaces, in this scenario its particuarly mocking. Its quite extraordinary but I go from opposite extremes of the pole. When normal (for me) I usually only see the best in people. When things went pear shaped, I could only see or imagine the worst in a way I had never thoguht myself capable of. I have prayed for the person who spoke the unjust words to me,knowing that was what Job did for his erronous friends in their sin to him, to try and prevent them being punished by God. I have done the same and therefore tried to return good for evil. Tho I have surely failed miserably at this too in the past. I hope those who I have wronged in the past at some point also feel so inclined towards myself. Not that I'm saying or even hinting they are repaying with evil. Don't mean that.


Mind you I don't think I've ever been so insulted (folks will generally have to try a bit harder!!) as over at Jerry's group a night or two ago, when someone called me popish!! (GASP!) With a nick like Hammer of the malignants which is what they called George Gillepsie, being called popish don't go down well!! Tho the high spot of that conversation was I did become a sexpert on various matters over at his group that a week ago was all greek to moi!! I love learning, its just a matter of having the capacity to. But when folks explain something real simple like, it helps alot. Its what I used to love about my staupitz, as they explained things in a way I could understand without making me feel stoopid.

I'm also unwell today, worse than usual, so will likely go back to bed and stay there. Being sick, bed-bound and alone is not an ideal morale booster, but nothing I can do about it as my body feels like its on the rack, and unfortunately that's not an exagerattion. I actully feel the last few days, as if I am becoming clinically depressed, probably for the first time in my entire life. Did you ever go beyond the point of being able to even weep? cos the pain was too great to evoke tears and way beyond fetching tears? I have been at this point awhile. This mountain God gave me is just so high and hard, and it seems to get higher all the time. And not a bit of relief in sight. I actually feel that physical immobility is the worst thing for battling depressive states of mind or clinical depression. I used to walk miles every day, and no matter how bad things were it used to help. I actually heard awhile ago that walking groups are now prescribed as an alternative to chemical koshes for those who are clinically depressed. I seem to be in a no win situation in this respect.
To the reader who commented on my now deleted post last night. I'm sorry you're having a hard time too. I think sometimes things just become overwhelming. |