I had a dream...

I sound just like Martin Luther King! (Heaven forbid!)

But, a lesson I learned early in life is when life seems to kick you in the teeth, you either go under, or you swim against the tide until eventually the waves don't crash against you to break you. And kicks in the teeth and swimming against the tide and cocking a snoot at what or whoever has seemed to be dragging me under the waves, has become something I'm finely tuned to do. I wouldn't be here now if not. And I don't doubt that in part the rebellious streak I have in me which can be so destructive if used in a wrong way, in scenarios such as these that spirit of no one getting the better of, (though I don't mean that in a literal way) to keep me under the waves as they crash against the shore, has helped me over-come many a kick in the teeth, and avoided extinction.

I have no idea which direction I'm going, or how I'm going to get there. I do know God is sovereign, and that the end of the story can't go wrong if you're one of His people. Assurance or lackof is a blighting thing for a Christian when in affliction. Samuel Rutherford spoke to this much in his letters, and how it had left him with regrets by his actions which had been spurred on often by his doubt in this way. Coupled with no internal witness of the Holy Spirit, it can seem impossible to believe as you would wish to. Yet Doc Martin, (the good German one, not Mr King) also had this all through his Christian life. He was often far less pious or harsh with words than say Calvin or others and I believe from personal experience this was the reason behind it. At the Diet of Worms, he went through terrible angst, feeling abandoned by God, at a time that couldn't be more important in the whole scheme of True religion. I do believe God is Sovereign, and everything happens for a reason, yet it can be so hard to hold onto hope when you feel as if you are drowning with no hand to help you out of the choppy waters. But you either go under or you get up in defiance maybe, and over-come what feels impossible. And you know its almost an hour by hour thing by how long you continue on in that way, but in the meantime, you pray for deliverance, or for God to send you help that would make ones lot more tolerable and seemingly doable. It can be hard to excerise faith and believe the best, when everything in ones life says otherwise. But, you either go under, or you kick back and fight, and believe the best by faith, when it often seems the most foolish thing to do. I still have dreams I hold onto. Though they've likely been dashed forever. Being a good Christian was one of those dreams. Getting to Heaven and knowing this had all meant something and been worthwhile. Finally a place to rest and be at Home, without fear of suddenly being ejected. I still have that dream. And I won't give it up without a fight. I want to come forth as gold, and to know the refining has done its work. Excercising ones faith can be the hardest act of all. But, sometimes, you know you have to, just to survive the next ten minutes.

This is said of Alexander Peden: His last days were spent in a cave on the River
Lugar in the parish of Sorn, near his birthplace and his brother's farm in Auchinleck, and there he died
in 1686, worn out by
hardship and privation.

And that seems also the same path I am walking. |