And I kind of hate my health dictating to me in any aspect of life. Yet for over 3 years now, and more fully for two, I seem to have been at its beck and call, in it calling the shots in many ways. As when something is so debilitating, one can't get past it for various reasons. I hate for it to have control, in what I can and can't do, yet, there's just no way around it. But, I mentioned the dreaded weed here a while ago. I have always been kind of bravado ever since i remember as far as smoking cigarettes goes. You know, its my party and I'll smoke if I want to. It amused me over the last 3 years when my life is so disrupted by this illness, and my state of health, how two or three times over that period doctors would ask me about smoking. I'd sit there in the doctors office tapping my foot, trying not to show impatience and in the end would normally say, well, do you really think things can get any worse? But, since the blood supply to my brain is becoming so terrible, that most days I can feel it struggling through my head, laying my head on the bed I can hear it, yet again, I have very little choice in this matter now. Which I've told myself I couldn't. As comfort of any kind is so sparse. Yet smoking for me has always had a love/hate relationship, and something I've wanted to quit for years. So, in a way, still against my will, but thinking that unless so ill, I would never have likely quit, and yet have desired to for so long, maybe its a blessing in disguise, and are not exactly "happy" about it, but desperate for some improvement to how my days have been on late, DJ is gonna kick the habit. So, I may just restart my campaign for folks to send the "poor, sick, crazy calvinist" chocolate or candy! I mean what IS a girl supposed to do?

And my final musing. We probably all know people who one thinks they should never have had children. They are not suitable and will only harm the child. I feel the same way often about dogs. When you hear of someone you know, having a puppy a week ago, (and a puppy is actually part of your hearts desire) and cos it digs a plant up, they then go onto give it a good whacking, and laugh about it as they tell you, makes me want to hit something. Tho definitely not a dog! Some folks should not have children, some folks should not have pets, some folks should have neither, yet get one or the other or both, some folks sit on the side-lines of life, knowing the difference in how to or how not to treat a child or an animal, tryiing not to feel embittered, that one persons hearts desire, is another persons tool for abuse.