On Eagles Wings

I have always been of the belief that life and circumstances, do not dictate who we are of what we do. Even years ago along time before conversion, having already endured more in life than most people would in a life-time, both through illness, and an abusive past, I always had a cheerful disposition. Crying and tears was not something to be done, except in rare circumstances, perhaps the loss of a loved one.. man or dog. My smile could and often still can, hide a thousand fears and terrors. And the crying of these days, I've come to understand, is not a self-pitying kind of crying, its a combination of I just can't stop, even if I can't say what about at times, ones brain has reactions that can stir that up in us, physical reactions. Lack of oxygen, blood supply or both. Depression often being the first symptom to appear in any neurological illness. So, I no longer beat myself up, for being a wimp. I lay my tears and my heart and fears before God. If sometimes that carries on for fourteen hours or so, then that's just the way it is. And yet, its still possible, to even while having our heart set upon God, to feel in your own private corner of hell. And a smile may make it better for the distant passer by or on-looker, but behind the smile, is a broken anguished spirit.

24 hours:

The last day, has been a mixture of varying degrees of hell on earth. The bodily pain which the normal meds didn't do a lot to ease, followed by morphine and still in far too much pain to find any comfort can be hard to endure. Especially when simple things like lying in bed cause too much pain, so you can't sleep. The bat flying around my room. Shadows that seem to move towards you and startle you, but on closer inspection, nothing. Itching so much that when one does sleep, you wake up with your flesh ripped in several places from scratching while asleep if able to sleep at all because the itching is so bad. And this morning, I woke and knew a head event, which are normally vascular spasms had taken place. I couldn't physically speak for several hours on waking. And I prayed, knowing God hears my prayers, and I praised Him, while longing for this to end, but knowing its out of my hands. And the voices that never sleep. they start as a whisper, you can't quite make out and then they arrive. They utter obsceneties all day long, and use things or turns of phrase or bring to mind several events that can only serve to torment one. And I don't say this for pity, pity I don not need. Understanding tho is something else. I'm a weak, sinful human being. All the above I've endured alone and its ongoing. Hearing obscenities uttered or tormented by other means that the voices normally find, when alone, is not helpful to ones spiritual life. I wonder if its me. Someone who never cusses, how can I have these voices which come from within my own mind, actually using words I never would, or never have? I can't even read if the Tv is in the background, the same goes for living with these voices that never sleep. Sometimes they are brief, yet sometimes they can continue for a whole day and nite and beyond.

And yet, I've endured the above for over 24 hours now, alone in my physical world as far as humanity goes. And I still know that the God of Heaven is my God, and He will get me thru this. As the last 24 hours has been its own unique brand of a private hell. So, I post this here, knowing many of my friends read here, and also knowing many of them pray for me. I still believe one can rise above ones circumstances, I believe everyone should. May God have mercy on a wrectch suchas me, and give me eagles wings. |