"I will become like a bonfire and dare the world to put me out." ~ Laurence C. Boldt

My health has been worse than just dreadful the past days, yet, even tho at times, the severity of it, scares the bejeepers out of me, of where exactly it could lead and how much impact it is taking on my head, I am trying to rest in the Lord in it all. I don't believe spending any longer in bed, or on ones bed than one needs to do. Yet except for the odd few hours here and there the last two days I've been largely on my bed, cos after being sat up for a while, my eye sight becomes badly affected. my eyelids are bruised, or they look it, a bright shade of red, is this bruising coming out from the impact my brain is taking during these vascular spasms i have as I sleep? I don't know. Yet things in reality are pretty scary over-all, yet in other ways, life is getting fuller and richer. It is almost two am here in England. Knowing the course of events and the shocks my brain takes to it while asleep, does not encourage sleep, so I am on my bed, with my laptop trying to figure out the most profitable and worth-while way to spend the hours ahead, if sleep either can't be done or doesn't take over.

I've said to many friends over the years. i am as artistic as a tree. meaning absolultely zippo, zilch, not an artistic bone in my body. I can't even draw a straight line without the aid of a ruler. Yet art has many forms, not just painting and drawing and the like. Writing, pottery, music and a host of other forms. Even gardening nicely done is and can be a form of art. And I used to write and be published in magazines, fanzines and the like, and recently have expressed to a friend, how I would at some point like to get back to this. But I know the cognitive dificulties do not make this an easy task and in fact make it seem over-whelmingly daunting. And procrastination is a skill I have down to a fine art-form. But recently the afore mentioned friend, whose life of living with and not just surviving but exceeding all odds when living with a disability not at all dissimilar to my own, has got me more than seriously contemplating just going for it. Another friend, who is a writer herself, said when I was talking to them, to just write, that's what's important, and to leave the fears over the cognitive issues to the Lord. And my life circumstances up until now, have given me a very narrow view of life, in how limited its been. No education after aged nine and spending around 15 years in psyche hospitals does that to one. never working, never being married, never having kids, or nephews and nieces. All of those things are totally outside my experience, yet often part of the majorities normal life.

And after looking through some areas of creativity by disabled artists, whether that's writing, painting or whatever form, i realize more and more, that the chaos that has always been how mind takes hold of things, flitting from this to that, never settling for very long on one thing, could all be part of a creative mind trying to find something to take hold of, and make all the bits that seem to be unconnected and disjointed actually fit.

My reason for starting a blog at all, was to see if I could express myself in any understandabe way still. And I know that I can. I also know that my humour is not something that should go untapped, as whether its personal friends, or friends on the net, its the one aspect of my interchanges that normally makes people open to me and warm towards me. And sometimes when my life has been so far beyond belief for friends to be able to offer any words of comfort, a wittisim often breaks the silence and a ripple of laughter is a great aid to breaking the ice and making people feel at ease in what seemed and awkward or uncomfortable position for them to be in, as we all like to offer comfort to friends and loved ones when they are in distress. And the insane often black humour which seems to get worse as I get older, I believe was a gift from God, and what made me survive more intact than I otherwise would through impossible circumstances from childhood, and even now. There is actually medical evidence that laughter really is literally good for the soul.

So, the upshot of this is. As God slays me, through these trying times, and sometimes its true, I would like to take a short cut out of here, but as He slays me, I will rejoice in Him. For things are slowly it seems but surely ebbing away in any normal sense, yet the fullness makes for a whole other existence in what could be achieved, as long as I have breath in my body and a brain I can put to use. I believe for me, this will be in writing. And it may never set the world on fire, but, without a doubt, we do not have to live in the pideon hole that circumstances could leave us in. If in bed, a laptop can make all the difference to how productive we can be if we want to be. Its never been my style to roll over and play dead, I wouldnt be here now, if that was so. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Yet maybe by taking away, he not only lets us focus on and depend on the only real good for any of us, Himself, but He also sets free the spirit of bondage, in that we can't be or take part in the world as the world does, and the book of John expressly says we should not. And maybe by what would seem like to the world bondage, in how life is, we become freer to tap into the hidden resources in all of us, and rather than feel life is over, a new chapter of the old one, is just beginning. |