Reflections...

I don't want to go on a sob story here, as sometimes I think we have to be as low as we can get or be, for however a long time, to find or see the real good.

But over three years, my life as many folks know has become empty, painful, and at times it seemed meaningless. Sometimes one of the hardest things in dealing with being so sick, is dealing with it alone. Knowing that at least once a week, you literally stare death in the face, and each time as far as humanity goes you are alone, and if you was taken Home to be with the Lord, you would die alone as far as the world is concerned. Apparently with people who are terminally ill or live with a health scenario similar to mine, where you could continue for years, yet have a brush with death frequently on some level, dying alone is the number one fear. And since being home-bound since Sept, and living in one room because of how inaccessible my home is, the aloneness has become even sharper, and often I've felt greived and at times embittered over it. Yet its been the last two years particuarly that my health has gone so far downhill. The wonderful grace of God and a sense of His kindness in mercy when everything around me in the temporal world, body, circumstances etc, should tell me differently. Yet, my constant companion of any significance also is away from contact at the moment, thru reasons beyond their control. And online friendships may seem weird to have such a sense of closeness and kinship yet there is no doubt that sometimes, you just knit together with someone, that if they were only ten feet away wouldn't be any closer. But in one sense I have dreaded the time when maybe they were out of the picture in my present circumstances. As its hard to face day after day, sick and alone and often feeling uncared for as far as people go. And Psalm 73 has been a particular favourite over a long time, as it seemed to reflect many of the emotions I felt at my illness and how loss after loss was incurred while often the wicked carried on without a care in the world. The friend mentioned has been out of contact for days. And I have been sicker the past two or three days thru some slight cold/virus. You'd think given how I drop into the depths of despair so often, that this would send me reeling when often the sense of aloneness if like a knife in an open wound. And the online friend in question a few weeks ago, said words to the affect, they knew no one else being prepared for Heaven as much as I. As I had nothing left to hold me here. And I knew this was true. And why so often I long for my Father's House. . And of course I miss the friend in question, yet, when I had nothing left to keep me here a few weeks ago, when they and being part of the body was still things that were in my life at the time, right then, today, at the end of this week of extreme aloneness, deep contemplation, and also struggling against increased illness again, I feel no despair despondency or hopeless or sense of loss. And for someone who has such doubts and fears at times, about where there standing is in God's eyes, where does my joy come from in these last days? There's nothing, absolutely nothing but the Lord left in my life at right this moment. He's the only source of comfort anywhere. And yet it seems to have been proved true that He is enough for anyone. And should be for everyone. As my joy is not diminished despite more loss and worsening illness. And this has nothing to do with me, or any good works in me, its about God keeping His promise to never leave or foresake, and it answers the question when everything else is gone of, "Is God enough?" Yes, He is more than enough.

21When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.



23Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength[b] of my heart and my portion forever.



27For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works. |