An addiction

I don't actually like admitting in public, (being a female) that I smoke, but I do and have done since my 16th birthday. Its something I"ve battled for years and years against. As a child I had a shadow on my lung through attack after attack of chronic bronchitis. It may well have been related to this genetic desease, as looking back I can see many things that never had proper explanations. But the shadow was there for several years, and folks kept telling little DJ when young, "you'll never smoke" all the while they said that of course, they normally had a cigarette in there hands!! And as normal, if someone says, "you can't" "you won't" "don't" well it seems the most longed after thing to do at times. So, I started smoking. And as the manifestations of the brain aspects of this desease came out, and it was at the time consdiered mental illness, (ignorance reigns in the medical world at times) my smoking went higher and higher. And even watching a loved one die of lung cancer, made me no less determined to smoke, tho the fear of its affects was worse, but at that time was on a self desructive bent, which included smoking more than before the person died of lung cancer.

Now I have porphyria. Which is all about the body poisoning itself even without adding anything to it. Even ones hormones which are produced naturally, can turn you into such a highly toxic state you may need hospitalization. And detoxifying in the normal manner because its the body doing it itself, is not like for other folks. And everything you take in, food, drink and anything else, can basically add to the affects already ongoing within the body. Anything can act as a trigger to worsen you or take you into a severe attack. And now, I have been housebound since Sept, I cope with this desease for the most part day to day alone, and the desease at some point will likely kill me anyway. I hardly sleep, I hardly eat. smoking, as far as tangible things seems the one comfort easily available and something I can still do. Or I can do, but most people know the amount of toxins and chemicals in cigarettes. When you are so barren of normal comforts, giving up small ones no matter the affect, seems an impossible thing to do. But, I need to give this up, sometimes even as I smoke I can feel the affects of doing so on my body, and yet cos of the barren ness and emptyness by normal standards, still I cannot stop. And yet, I need to quit. Not cos of the affects we all suffer if we smoke, but because it is positively aggravating this desease of this there is little doubt. So, prayer would be appreciated, that the cigs go, and when all comfort seems gone, as it does often many times a day, at least in a temporal level, that God can fill the void, and become the only comfort in anything and everything. And addictions and even the fear that trying to over come it comes up, He can calm the waters and put His balm on them, as only He can.

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