Living and dying in vain

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." Norman Cousins

Today's been tough. Physicaly as always, emotionally terribly so. A mixture of realizations, how hopeless everything seems, how you're never going to make it, and be a Christian of any account. And weeping more rivers of tears. You know God says He has a plan for everyone of His people. Yet looking back, into the long lost pain-filled years gone by, you can see His hand clearly, yet, the pain of it which still reaches over into today, is like an open gaping trap door waiting to pull you back through it and someetimes never far away. And the clock ticks on and forever more of the rivers of tears. And you have no idea where your life went, the hopes and dreams that all got dashed. Not just some of them, but each and every one of them. And you see no point whatsoever in getting out of bed tomorrow. Knowing that tomorrow and all the tomorrows after it, will be thus. And the illness itself is a nitemare to cope with, but feel sure it will be a broken heart and spirit that will kill you. People who live in this degree of pain, in often only one area of there body, often opt for euthansia if the option is there either legally or illegally. And that thought never crosses your mind, cos of your pain wracked body. But the isolation, the brokeness, the feeling no good to God nor man syndrome, utterly useless to everyone and everything including oneself, seems more unbearable by the day. And you don't long for release from this body so much, as you long for release from the depth of the hurt inside.

Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and month after month. Shut within four walls. Sick and not part of the world and in some ways totally alone on a human level. What was the point of any of it? What was all that before worth to anyone? Prisons have chapels where the prisoners can gather on the LD and be amongst other Christians. My prison has no escape from what seems like a portal to hell. And when the "other voices" show up, telling you you'd be better off dead and are really a useless piece of junk, (edited version to be polite) its almost a welcome relief to hear another voice, even tho its like opening a door to an axe-murderer. And you try to hold onto and believe that God DOES have a plan for your life. But it gets harder as the going gets tougher. And you want release and for it all to be over. As tho the bodily things are a hell of their own to deal with every single day, it seems futile to be kept here, useless to God, everyone, society and the world. And its very hard to feel wanted because you know how sick you are, you know how the few people who genuinely do care for you would not walk away at this time, but you don't want them or anyone else to feel obligated or burdened, and the constant fear of being totally alone in this world, from day to day as far as humanity goes, takes root stronger. And you know part of it is in how you've responded to your suffering over a long period of time, you've driven a wedge there that shouldn't be. And the ironic thing is, that the wedge got made, because of this very fear of being left alone and feeling unloved and unwanted. And the few that's left, won't go unless I tell them to, as its not part of who they are, and you can't do that, as the weight is too great already to bear any more loss, so release from this body is all their is. Release from pain and suffering and affliction and grief and a whole lot more, and a release of the burden I feel this whole thing is to others. How Long O' Lord. How Long?

2Vanity[b] of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
4A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
5The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
and hastens[c] to the place where it rises.
6The wind blows to the south
and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
7All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
8All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
9What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.
10Is there a thing of which it is said,
"See, this is new"?
It has been already
in the ages before us.
11There is no remembrance of former things,[d]
nor will there be any remembrance
of later things[e] yet to be
among those who come after. [Ecl 1:2-11]

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