Hard Days...

Today's been tough, physically. I'm at one of those points in time, and don't recall if there's been any more, when on a phyiscal level, that I feel that getting through the week may not be something I do.

The Lord's Day is generally hard on a spiritual level anyway. As I am here, within these four walls, with the only other humanity about me tho dear to me are in the world of unbelief. I see them for abuot ten minutes any day mostly. Soap operas creeep up through the levels of the home, and I get them up here even with my TV off. The only other way I know I belong in Christendom at all, even on the Lord's Day, is cause the Lord Himself tells me so.

I don't belong here, I know that. And won't be missed if and when I go on any real level. The world has everything in it, that I once longed for to keep me happy. Now it still has the same stuff, but its totally inaccessible to me, and want the world to stop so I can get off, and want to go Home, where I will belong. Yet the sicker I feel and closer it seems possible, I can't also say that in these circumstances, there's no fear with this longing either of if or when it happens.

If I obsess about death so much, its cos I genuinely feel too sick to be here. And coping with it alone on a human level, totally, brings its own sets of fears.

The Lord's Day. God and I is my evidence of Christendom. And it maybe the biggest evidence, yet you still feel a pauper and on the outside. And its not always very much different any day, yet knowing its the Lord's Day with a direct commandment from God to be in the assembly of God's people, it seems tougher.
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