Bittersweet

Have you ever had a prayer answered, and it was answered in exactly the way you hoped and longed for, and yet the result still left a bitter sweet taste. none of us knows what lies ahead in this life. People are shocked when I tell them that up to two and a half years ago I walked my dog two and a half miles a day, and are now more or less totally immobile through sickness and desease. Three years . Three years of what for the most part has seemed like hell on earth. Three years of dwelling in darkness and tasting bitter herbs and the river of tears forever ready to pour forth. And then yesterday, my prayer was answered. In exactly the way I had prayed for it to be. But the end result means my life will be considerably shorter than most folks assume theirs will be. A pallative illness can take years to have its final affect. And i never do anything or go anywhere till I'm good and ready, and don't plan on it this time either! And my big thing with looking for God's work in stuff, is keeping an eye on Providence. We don't always think providence is good providence when we are living it at the time. And yet when I look back, to the darkest of days when starting out in life I see the hand of providence imprinted so clearly upon it from todays view. Doctors misdiagnosed me for years. They said I was an incurable hopeless schizoprhenic, that would always, need drugs to keep me from harming myself. Piffle and poppycock! Have been off those drugs for over four years now. And the seizures that were never fully understood. The violent moods and outbursts. And yet, in one day, after the present three years of illness where each day has seemed a struggle to survive physically on some level, God vindicated me fully, not just before the eyes of the world, but in a way that only God can. Porphyria the illness that ails me, is the only illness in mankind that could explain the symptoms similar to schizoprhenia and the uncontrollable seizures. But I am not mentally ill, a term that is not found anywhere legitimately in Scripture. I have a phyiscal illness which impacts every part of ones body including ones brain.

And yet about a month ago, the blessings in other ways started to pour forth. First it was a concienceness that despite no matter how ill I may feel on any day, I never felt abandoned by God. And somehow He would manifest Himself and His love in some way. And as I was contemplating on the Beautitudes from Matt 5, I knew full well that Heaven doesn't only start in the next life, the Kingdom of God is here and now, and if you have that, you are wanting nothing else.

And yes, I am giong to get the medical help that would be provided anyone else who is ill with any other condition. Rather than feeling abandoned and tossed on the scrap heap mostly as someone whose a medical mystery. And the treatment for it is normally very limited and often pretty inaffective. But I have survived enough by God's hand alone to know that if treatment doesn't help a fat lot, I can continue to do so. And if I live another five, ten, fifteen years, which of any of us knows for certain we shall make it thru uscathed? None. I have a window to what is likely and maybe that's an advantadge. As there's nothing likehaving one foot in the grave so to speak as to plant the other foot in Heaven. And if not for this desease, the future would be blacker than anything in this life. As God uses whatever means He has to, to draw us to Him. So, I can say honestly along with the Psalmist, It is good for me that I was afflicted. Psalm 119:65-72

4"O LORD, make me know my end
and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!
5Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths,
and my lifetime is as nothing before you.
Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Selah
6Surely a man goes about as a shadow!
Surely for nothing[b] they are in turmoil;
man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

12"Hear my prayer, O LORD,
and give ear to my cry;
hold not your peace at my tears!
For I am a sojourner with you,
a guest, like all my fathers.
13Look away from me, that I may smile again,
before I depart and am no more!" [Psalm39]

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