1 BTA day out of 7-- A Good week?
Robert Cody
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BTA= Better than average. I make it up as I go along!
Has this week been a good week? in some respects yes. And yet, in feeling any sense of well-being physically due to this dratted desease, one better than average day all week, and many of them worse than average. (i guess that would be WTA)
Back to throwing up on most days, and in the kind of body wracking pain, that makes one think there must be more to life than this. Going to sleep with exploding heads, which the most likely cause is either seizure related or perhaps a vascular spasm, and waking up ready to take a swing at king Kong if he showed up, as those head explosions always without exception, alter mood and outlook on waking.
Friday was the better than average day. I will think about Friday. I liked Friday. I got alot done around here, when a few hours earlier cos of how things were physically the odds of getting them done had seemed to be stacked against. A friend visited with his little boy, whose nine or ten, and it was just fun to be silly for a while. On average days, it can be an effort.
Tomorrow is the Christian Sabbath, and with increasing things stacking up in the way one feels about coping and surviving from day to day, it seems providential that it is tomorrow, where I can recharge and hopefully survive another week intact. A friend said to me that he thanked God how i had grown the last three years, despite everything, and that my life was bearing witness to Job 23:8-12.
8 "But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. 9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. 10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. 11 My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside. 12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.
And I do often feel the Lord is hiding from me and can't be found. The times of feeling abandoned are some of the hardest i know. Even if things are no worse than average physically, if spiritual afflcition sets in, then the rest seems impossible.
But one thing I do know. Is I won't give this up, won't roll over and play dead. As long as there's breath in my body, even in the blackest of days, somewhere, there's a song in my heart to be sung.
If someone asked me the question right now, is life good? I'm not sure I could answer a simple "yes" from tonites perspective. But is life worth living, and too precious to abandon in the folly of despair? Yes it is! It would seem a bitter irony that when every day seems a battle to survive physically on some level, for despair to remove the want to survive.
And I know that there is more far beyond this life, and I may sow in tears at times, but Jesus said 'Blessed are the poor' and "blessed are they that mourn.' The Kingdom of God, does not start when we leave this earth, its here now, and, anyone whose experienced that will know, that the second part of blessed of those that mourn is so true. "For they shall find comfort."
