I don't normally blag on LD, but God is praiseworthy any time!
Anyone who has been around me much, whether its been the few close online friendships I have or actual friendships and/or relationships will know how I've despaired with cognitive problems. My biggest shout of despair, was "Why did this happen so soon into my Christian walk" thinking and feeling sure that if I'd have had Gods Word already hidden in my heart before this happened, I would have the abilities to cope with the Spiritual warfare that a condition suchas this, and the subsequent circumstances cant help but stir up in our sinful humanity.
I read for hours and hours during any given day. I never read secular books these days, simply because my mind is restricted in its ability and I need to focus where is important (vital) while I still have the ability to do so. 18 months ago, I would read and not understand hardly a word on the page in a real way. There seemed to be a block somehow. Then Christian friends, recommnded me some puritan books. And unlike earlier theological books I had tried to get my head around, I started to understand little bits. And yes, for close on two years I read an neither understood much and remembered less. And this included Scripture too. Oh why, Oh God, would often be heard coming from this room in feverant prayer. We know that ALL things come from God's hand. Yet it can be hard in the midst of suffering and adversity to see it as coming from Gods GOOD hand. I've had this constant battle since I got ill about two and a half years ago. And yet, if not for my sickness, God would never have become real, and alive AND my LORD. And yet, cos of the cognitive stuff alone, I felt it was an uphill battle I would never climb, and certainly not finish. My rivers of tears have run deep. And then earlier this year, I started to understand books, Scripture and puritan books I almost always read, as they were being read and tho within an hour the memory of ANYTHING I read during those hours in the day would just so not be there, the hours of reading became my most blessed and joyful. I dont exhort the puritan writers cos I have friends who are very Puritan in doctrine, I exhort them, because they had an aspect of Godliness, purity and a closeness to Heaven that many Christian writers today lack. This years, a few of the books I've read, has been the complete Gurnall, Christian in Complete Armour, Have almost finished the first (of 4) volumes of J.A. Wylies History of Protestantism, Luthers Bondage of the Will, A collection of sermons by Calvin on the ten commandments and are slowly making my way thru his institutes of Christian Religion. Watson's The Ten Commandments and The Lords Prayer.. and a few others. And God showed me when I first started understanding at least at the moment of it being read, and teh pure joy I got from reading them, that He was blessing this perserverance when it seemed the best option would be to say, "Whats the point in reading when I neither understand or remember!" He blessed enough that when I wake and my memory of the nite before is missing much like a hard drive being wiped and no memory of any written word is there, that giving up tho the thought was there, it didnt seem a real option. As drawing close to God is the most important function we have in this life. Only by doing so, can we Glorify His name. So, I kept plugging away, telling myself that if I had have given up, my cognitive abilities would be worse even than they are. And slowly bit by bit, over the last year, the written word came alive, including of course Gods Written Word. His love letters to you and to me. And it still seems like I hardly remember anything, and yet sometimes in a disucssion either online or in person something comes out that God put in there from His Word, and I have no idea its there. My pastor told me earlier this year, that tho I dont learn by normal means as far as cognitive stuff goes, God will use extraordinary means if He has to. And it seems He has. I am no B.O.B. (brain of Britain) and never will be, and my cognitive abilities have probably never been so bad as now, and yet God is teaching despite this, and maybe because of it. And when ones most often cry was "Oh, why, O God. Why must it feel like banging ones head up a brick-wall, why can't I get close to you, why have you taken the means away?" He didn't. He gave it and blessed it, and probably cos its been such a long hard struggle to get to this place, its all the sweeter. And the fear of my ever decreasing brain power which in many respects is on display in full force in every area of life, has gone. Which proves to me, that the Mysteries of God and His revelaed Will as revealed in the pages of Scripture should not remain a mystery to anyone. As in most areas of life I can't make sense of anything much at all, but God preserves what He wills and does finish what He starts. As the little encouragements from Him as described above, was the ONLY thing that made it seem possible to go on struggling with the written word when it seemed a useless, pointless thing to do. And His Word will prevail whatever the cirumstances, even to the dullest of minds. (for whatever reason) Nothing is impossible with God. You just have to have faith, even a little seed of it. And He will water it even in the most adverse of circumstances, and encourage it to flourish.
THANK YOU LORD!
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