Friday, October 01, 2004
Another 24 hours:
You ever feel like your a "Dead man Walking" in that one foot is always in the valley of death. I do. The last 24 hours and more have felt such. My body from head to feet has been wracked with pain that would make the popish pope cuss and narcotics (legal) of any strength wouldn'
t kill it. Its the first time since this thing started eating away at me almost three years ago, that I was physically unable to stand through pain. And at these times seeing as there's not an organ throughout unaffected, including my brain, depression and all the ghosts of long ago, come back and threaten to overshadow. At almost five am this morning, I hadn't slept at that time, I thought death was a real possibility, and it often is while this thing rages throughout my body with nothing at present but symptom management. It was five am. No one around. No one to call for help. And I thought my worst fears of dying alone may come true. And it seems like last nite was wept in bitter tears and a crying out for release from my God.
For almost four weeks now have been phyiscally unable to go outside the house. Been throwing up on and off for the last two, and so can't eat cos I throw up, can't sleep cos of pain, can't go out in case I throw up. Life don't feel like a bowl of cherries. And somehow, I cling to the fact that my God, must have a plan in this. That is can't all be for nothing, the last three years and the thirty odd before that taken by other means. And every time I feel in the valley of death, I cling to the next line from Psalm 23, "I will fear no evil, for you are with me."
And in those terrors of the moment, or hour, or day or however long it lasts, you think about how life is going on all around you everywhere. And you are coping with what seems to be the impossible to cope alone with. And you feel forgotten by God, and you think that everyone in the business of there continuing life when yours has come to a stop and isn't really going anywhere had probably forgotten you too. And when feeling yu are staring death in the face, you feel tormented and sad that if you're forgotten now already, if you go out of this world into the next, in a minute you're life will have meant nothing to anyone. And the tears and the fears go on. And often in these dark hours, days, weeks, Psalm 88 seems to say it all:
1O LORD, God of my salvation;
I cry out day and night before you.2
Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry!3
For my soul is full of troubles,
and my life draws near to Sheol.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am a man who has no strength,
5like one set loose among the dead,
like the slain that lie in the grave
like those whom you remember no more,
for they are cut off from your hand.
6You have put me in the depths of the pit,
in the regions dark and deep.
7Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah
8You have caused my companions to shun me;
you have made me a horror[2] to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
9my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O LORD;
I spread out my hands to you.
10Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah
11Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
12Are your wonders known in the darkness,
or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?
13But I, O LORD, cry to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14O LORD, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
15Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.[3]
16Your wrath has swept over me;
your dreadful assaults destroy me.
7They surround me like a flood all day long;
they close in on me together.
18You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
my companions have become darkness
"Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! "
Matt Frewer,
Matt Frewer,
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