Long endless Nites.

Have never slept well as long as i remember. Yet when I do sleep, sleep through anything. About two years ago, we were having new windows fitted throughout the home, and while the builders hammered the big six feet wide eight feet high French window out downstairs immediately below where I slept with a sledgehammer, me and my dog Scampi slept on oblivious to everything.

Yet the nites used to be hardest. Voices that never had a source apart from in the realm of "mental illness' world that were forevr tormenting, torturing and driving to despair. Faces of the past, that never quite die from the memory no matter how you try to erase And I was joking with friends tonite, than when I get my diagnosis confirmed, I plan to take on the whole of the psyche world for thirty odd years of misdiagnosis, and neglect which has led me to my current condition, and I joked that I would tell them they traumatized me at nine years old by labelling me (wrongly) as schizoprhenic. But, there is an element of truth to it. As the last four or five years possibly longer my sleeping got worse and worse, and I had no idea why. Even on nights the "other voices' were silent, still sleep would not come. And was awake and yet without the River of tears. . But still sleep never came. Up until abuot four years ago, I would be awake for 36 hours straight sometimes, and still go out for a 12 hour day with friends. People could not believe how awake and alert I was during those times, and full of energy. As battling 30-40 seizures of varying degrees daily that alone should wipe anyone out. And the nites went on, endlessly.
And the label of schizoprhenia was there in my mind and after so long thought I would never be free from it medically speaking. And so even when the "other voices" were not active and folks asked me why I wasn't sleeping, people knew I had this label, and it seemed easier to just say "the other voices kept me awake" rather than a dead stoopid answer of "I don't know!" Even in the medical community this would be my static answer. As an answer of "I don't know" as to a thing like sleep, would likely be a signal for them to think I was going off the rails mental healthwise. They "knew" I had schioprhenia so an answer of "the other voices kept me awake" would be accepted without question or unneccessary interference.

But I have no time for medical people full stop and never have had. I've had and experienced some very bad things at the hands of "the caring community' And I got trapped into this label of schizopherenia with it seemed no chance of ever being free of it. And my nites are still endless... its is now almost six am here in merry ole England, and I slept for 45 mins earlier till pain made it too difficult to stay in bed. i have a doppleganger foam thingy on top of my matress along with an inflateable matress..and the pain in my back even with morphine when laid on it doesn't allow sleep tonite. But the sleep thing and so lacking it generally I found out abuot 18 months ago, is a common symptom of serious neurological desease. And I am waiting for confirmation of my illness. but I know and everyone who knows me knows this is what's wrong with me. For thirty odd years the only real medical problems I had was uncontrolled seizures and so called schizophrenia. And then when I got sick now, the two often major symptoms..normally one or the other that this illness maybe present are seizures and/or schizoprhenic like symptoms. And it progresses and now I have a cluster of deaseses all caused through negelct and in being too late in detection, and there is little doubt that it will see me off before most people think of as there time. And I am not angry at the doctors any more. As I changed my family doctor and she took one look at my persona when I changed and she interveiwed me and wrote on her computer "Not mentally ill" And sometimes when things are happening, at the time, we wonder where God was in all of it. How could He let such and such happen. And yet, only in this illness alone, do I get to make everything over the last 30+ years make sense at least medically speaking. I finally get the vindication not just before God, but before everyone who wrote me off as a hopless mental case who would likely always be on psyche drugs and in and out of psyche hospitals, and I plan to have my day in court. As in a way, tho I understand God's hand was upon everything, they still robbed and took any chance of any "normal" kind of life. And after losing about 15 years inside those psyche places, I want vindicating and I want to show the psyche world for what they are. And I will do this if I have the time to do it (D.V.) As there are no doubt times when people need psychiactric care and treatment. yet the signposts were there all along the way in my own case, and year or two of misdiagnosis I think we all could think.. okay, they did there best...but 30 odd years is beyond a joke.

And the nites will no doubt continue to be endless. and long and sleepless. but I have this time to write my refutation of all things psyche and of how against ever principle in the Bible the whole thing is. I may not be B.O.B. but, the facts are all there in medical records for anyone to see. The crazy Calvinist has never been more sane or determined to stir up this hornets nest of vipers and see what falls out. And its not vengeance, tho I want them to admit they were wrong, but it is, about justice. For all the otehr people incacerated inside mental hospitals needlessly, and perhaps somewhere down the line will also find themselves terribly ill, which is largely due to negelct and overlooking the obvious cos they want to hang these labels on people and justify their profession. And its for the lives lost that just became statistics. I could have been a statistic, but God preserved me and my sanity. And everything happens for a reason. To make the psyche world sit up and take note of how far they will go in being wrong, seems to my reason and my mission.

And one thing about these endless nites now. I am never alone throught them. God is my ever present help in trouble. And I read, favourite scripture texts, friends like Martin Luther and many other great Reformers of the past, and I listen to music, and if the music makes me weep, its normally not with despair, but with a sense of sorrow of how Paul described loss and elsewhere the wasted time and years before He was saved:

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. From Phil 3



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