Lean not one ones own understanding
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Proverbs 3:5Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
Calvin put some of it this way: "Our wisdom, in so far as it ought to be deemed true and solid Wisdom, consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves. But as these are connected together by many ties, it is not easy to determine which of the two precedes and gives birth to the other. For, in the first place, no man can survey himself without forthwith turning his thoughts towards the God in whom he lives and moves; because it is perfectly obvious, that the endowments which we possess cannot possibly be from ourselves; nay, that our very being is nothing else than subsistence in God alone" [from the Institutes of Christian Religion]
We used to get a yankee Doodle TV show over here, with that blonde guy out of L.A. Law introducing it. (name escapes) It was called "The Extraordinary" to the best of my recollection. And at the end of the proggie, he used to say, nothing is closed to an "Open mind." Which always struck me as singuarly true. And when it has seemed the biggest representation of Christian people one has known since the year dot, has been an utter disgrace to bear Christ's name, a closed mind, and a tightly guarded heart, to all Spiritual things, seemed at the time that proggie ran, the safest place to be. Anger towards God, or mankind, one has control of. One can make things happen. You are throwing the dice, and watching them roll. And as long as the guard around ones heart is there, keeping one alienated from all good things if as portrayed in the Bible, you can never get to or be in the place again, of darkness beyond belief, that was largely bought about by betrayed trust, and the people who betrayed at the time, bearing Christ's name. Anger at God, at everyone associatied with Jesus Christ, seems the safest and most powerful place to be in as far as control goes. And you think that is how it will always be. Name above all names, brings out a rage that makes ones feelings quite well known what you think of them, and their God. Cos, through other people before, who also said they were Christians, makes the thought of anything good being associated with that name, derisable.
And yet , you hadn't banked on God Himself stepping in, and making everything in the above seem full of confusion as far as truth goes. And you know you came to those conclusions through leaning on ones own understanding, based perhaps on very real experiences, that seemed justifable to make them so. And slowly, one takes the guard off ones heart, and opens it not only to Christ, but also to those who bear His name, believeing what you read in the pages of the Holy Bible, and believing that good, is the ulitimate end, and that the evil or whatever of before, will be used for your good, as you have been called according to His purpose. And that what they meant to you for evil, God meant for good. You dont' fully understand how, or why, but you don't have to. Hold onto the promise in blind faith, even when not understanding the secret counsels of God and how they will be worked out. And you still hold on, even in the midst of grief, and despair, over the whole scenario of time gone by, none of it making sense, yet, daring to believe that one day it will, that good is ultimately the aim, and the grief and despair and sorrow over days gone by, is never far away, but you still dare to believe one day it will make sense, and the pain of the festering wound, will be healed. That one day you will look into your Father's eyes, and know it was all worthwhile. It wasn't for nothing.
And your guard around your heart slowly starts to be lowered. And the first time this is done with folks bearing Christs name, ends in unbearable pain, of feeling betrayed and duped and that they have sinned not only against God, but against you and others too. And even despite the enormity of that pain, that does make one want to put the guard back up, and say, "Ha! here we go again. I knew I was right all those years to think what has so obviously been proved yet again, about so called "loving Christians" and yet, even so, you dare to believe that while believing them wrong big time, they had no ill intent towards you, but were terribly misguided, and did what they thought best. And somehow you feel pity for them, for how miserable the stuff that made it so, and the characteristics involved to get to that point, must make them. And still you dare to believe the best of them, for past kindnesses, love etc. And you still dare to believe that this will used for good too, even despite the enormity of the heartache it caused.
And in the Christian world, you find genuine love and affection, in both males and females. And in your actual circle of personal Christian friends, there is one who stands out above the rest. And for the first time, one can believe that the opposite sex are not all bad. You can let your guard down and let them in, and feel safe, and never have to feel concerned in any respect as regards ones friendship with them. And when that friendship develops difficulties, that are not of your own making, and the person involved is in a place of honour, not only personally, but in the eyes of God too, things become very confusing and you realized you trusted perhaps not unjustifiably, and that any hurt of distress one feels now, is also not ill intended by them, they would never hurt you or anyone with evil in there hearts. But even so, great confusion and distress has been added to an already hugely stresseful situation. And you wonder if letting people in, and letting ones guard down, and opening ones heart to them, is leaning on ones own understanding. Cos how many times, does this happen ? how many times do you lay yourself on the line in the vulnerability stakes. How many times do you see the examples of people you thoroughly believe should know better, that even if well intended and cause you distress and confusion ignorantly rather than deliberately, before you put your guard totally back up, and refuse to let anyone near?
Sometimes my canoe in fact mostly, is only big enough for one. And sometimes you let ones guard down, knowing that this particualar canoe has more turburlent waves than most folks would in there entire last decades of life. And you struggle to hold on, believeing also this is for the best, or trying to. And trying to not get angry in a sinful way, but slowly ones guard is going back up. And it seems an impossible uphill struggle to hold on at times, and you knew all along that Christians seeming unfair would always be a huge danger for questioning everything. And yet, something even now, is making one hold onto the promise, and yet in other ways, any trust has gone right out of the window on human terms, as far as letting ones guard down and letting folks in, and believing what they say. And feel its only a matter of time, again, when your canoe is being tossed and turned, upon the waves of life, and you're totally alone in life in human terms, even more so than already, cos everyone is either not as you have thought by leaning on ones own understanding, and caused more sorrow and/or pain, and the safest thing to prevent it ever happening again, is to put the guard up, and keep it there. And realize that sooner or later, you may as well face it now, everyone will leave the sinking ship, and even if well intended, yet again, you're left begging God for answers to why. And you look back and remember the rage and anger towards the name Christians, and you see how it came about, and somehow you wonder if keeping that control, would have made things less painful along the way. Yet, there's nothin else to hold onto, besides the promise, and you daren't let go of that, cos to do so, means its all been for nothing, but ones most oft cry seems to be, "How long O' Lord. How long?"
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