Monday, August 09, 2004
Life In Limbo: 
Being allegorical, a few nites ago, during the depths of despair, and waiting for God to show some way ahead, and before He did several hours later, I wrote:
"My theory is life is one big storm. Some folks are in quieter waters some of the time, some folks are tossed and turned, on the crest of a wave forever. They can't jump out, or they will drown. So, life on the ocean waves ,tossing and bumping, looking for dry land, and its always there, like a mirage, but never attainable. And the mirage becomes there biggest demon on the boat. So, they cling on , trying not to be tossed over-board, and their head comes up briefly, like the sun on a dark day, but the storm clouds almost always rush to gather again, and threaten to sweep them over-board again. And the demon, the mirage, is once again there, tormenting, mocking, but they can't jump out the boat, or else they'll drown.
And the worst part of the mirage, is that every time they see it, they see their family, friends loved ones in the mirage. And they become part of the problem. They are glad they have their dry land, and the thought of and memory of them is a comfort in some kind of way. Yet, cos of the difference in this stormy sea, which no one should have to travel alone, the mirage serves to make them more alone, in thoughts and memories. And the sea is cold and choppy. And no one else can sail in this boat, no one else can take their place either. So, they lay in the boat, being tossed and turned, and gaze up into the Heavens, seeking the face of the Lord. And they know He could pour forth dry land, but for reasons not plain He doesn't. Life in the boat, in the cold, on the edge of life, begging for mercy. . Tis a sure road to insanity. But they can't jump out, or else they'll drown. "
The essence of what I meant, even if not expressed well at the time, holds very true. If things are extreme with my health, suchas today, I tell people I have extreme pain, which tho true it is the least of my problems, but the only communicable and easily understandable thing of this whole thing to people not on the boat. Because pain is constant, 24/7 I think perhaps folks think that's the biggest issue in itself. Well, it is responsible for my loss of mobility, but on a day to day level, yes it drives me crazy sometimes, but on days like today, the pain in my body is the only evidence I have of being alive. My brain is not working at all in a normal fashion, holding a verbal conversation seems impossible. Intereacting where you say something and someone says something back. The pain proves I am alive. And the ability to reason is there, but there's some kind of machinataions going on, maybe seizure stuff who knows, that makes life terribly hard on days like this. I've been sat reading Thomas Watson's "The Lord's Prayer" and today reading was an option tho how much actually sank in is anyones guess, but sometimes days like this even reading is not an option as they are just words on a page and tis like a two year old trying to read joined up writing in that it makes no sense. The pain proves life, yet, is this life? Yes, but its hard to go sailing through the choppy seas on this boat, all alone in one way, as its just entirely out of most folks sphere of understanding. Yet, a disaster in life, of most kinds, most folks will understand on some level, or at least someone will. If my home got robbed, many people would understand. A family death. Many people would understand. But because you can't explain the unexplainable in a real conveyable way, as its just outside of most folks sphere of understanding, in fact its not within many peoples at all, and I know no one, in a real sense who could have any imaginings of it, you are destined to stay in your boat, still seeking God's face, and trying to rest in the knowledge, that on a human level, this thing that's attacking me, I may have to cope entirely alone for the most part of dealing with it and living through it, and trying to on days like this just survive, but One went before us who does understand. you try to cling to that, but in our human weakness, when we are at our lowest, sometimes you wish for more. And cry out to Him, to keep you until the storm has once again quitened.
The essence of what I meant, even if not expressed well at the time, holds very true. If things are extreme with my health, suchas today, I tell people I have extreme pain, which tho true it is the least of my problems, but the only communicable and easily understandable thing of this whole thing to people not on the boat. Because pain is constant, 24/7 I think perhaps folks think that's the biggest issue in itself. Well, it is responsible for my loss of mobility, but on a day to day level, yes it drives me crazy sometimes, but on days like today, the pain in my body is the only evidence I have of being alive. My brain is not working at all in a normal fashion, holding a verbal conversation seems impossible. Intereacting where you say something and someone says something back. The pain proves I am alive. And the ability to reason is there, but there's some kind of machinataions going on, maybe seizure stuff who knows, that makes life terribly hard on days like this. I've been sat reading Thomas Watson's "The Lord's Prayer" and today reading was an option tho how much actually sank in is anyones guess, but sometimes days like this even reading is not an option as they are just words on a page and tis like a two year old trying to read joined up writing in that it makes no sense. The pain proves life, yet, is this life? Yes, but its hard to go sailing through the choppy seas on this boat, all alone in one way, as its just entirely out of most folks sphere of understanding. Yet, a disaster in life, of most kinds, most folks will understand on some level, or at least someone will. If my home got robbed, many people would understand. A family death. Many people would understand. But because you can't explain the unexplainable in a real conveyable way, as its just outside of most folks sphere of understanding, in fact its not within many peoples at all, and I know no one, in a real sense who could have any imaginings of it, you are destined to stay in your boat, still seeking God's face, and trying to rest in the knowledge, that on a human level, this thing that's attacking me, I may have to cope entirely alone for the most part of dealing with it and living through it, and trying to on days like this just survive, but One went before us who does understand. you try to cling to that, but in our human weakness, when we are at our lowest, sometimes you wish for more. And cry out to Him, to keep you until the storm has once again quitened.
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD ;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
From Thomas Watson's "The Lord's Prayer"
(20) If God be our Father, he will not disinherit us. He may
for a time desert his children, but will not disinherit them. The
sons of kings have sometimes been disinherited by the cruelty of
usurpers; as the son of Alexander the Great was put out of his just
right, through the violence and ambition of his father's captains;
but what power on earth can hinder the heirs of the promise from
their inheritance? Men cannot, and God will not cut off the entail.
The Armenians hold falling away from grace, so that a child of God
may be deprived of his inheritance, but God's children can never be
degraded or disinherited, and their heavenly Father will not cast
them off from being children. It is evident that God's children
cannot be finally disinherited, by virtue of the eternal decree of
heaven. God's decree is the very pillar and basis on which the
saints' perseverance depends. That decree ties the knot of adoption
so fast, that neither sin, death, nor hell, can break it asunder.
'Whom he did predestinate, them he also called,' &c. Rom 8: 30.
Predestination is nothing else but God's decreeing a certain number
to be heirs of glory, on whom he will settle the crown; for whom he
predestinates, he glorifies. What shall hinder God's electing love,
or make his decree null and void? Besides God's decree, he has
engaged himself by promise, that the heirs of heaven shall never be
put out of their inheritance. His promises are not like blanks in a
lottery, but as a sealed deed which cannot be reversed; they are the
saints' royal charter; and one promise is that their heavenly Father
will not disinherit them. 'I will make an everlasting covenant with
them, that I will not turn away from them; but I will put my fear in
their hearts, that they shall not depart from me.' Jer 32: 40. God's
fidelity, which is the richest pearl of his crown, is engaged in
this promise for his children's perseverance. 'I will not turn away
from them.' A child of God cannot fall away while he is held fast in
these two arms of God - his love, and his faithfulness. Jesus Christ
undertakes that all God's children by adoption shall be preserved in
a state of grace till they inherit glory. The heathens feigned of
Atlas that he bore up the heavens from falling; but Jesus Christ is
that blessed Atlas that bears up the saints from falling away.
Goodwill says to Christian in Pilgrim's Progress:
From Chapter 4 The Pilgrim Enters the Gate:
"Goodwill told him, "Concerning your burden, be content to bear it until you come to the place of Deliverance, for there it will fall from your back by itself"From the Pilgrim's Progress in Modern English Page33
And the Interpreter says to Pilgrim in chapter 5
"The glory of the next world will never wear out, but other glories are soon gone. Passion, therefore, didn't have as much reason to laugh as Patience--as Patience will laugh at Passion---because Passion had his best things first---as Patience had his best things last. First must give place to last because last must have its time to come, but last gives place to nothing. for there is nothing more to follow. So he who has his portion first must of neccessity have time to spend it, but he who has his portion last, must have it permanently. Therefore , it is said of Dives, "In your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted and you are in agony."Page 39
