Friday, August 13, 2004
A Father's Heart:
Well, I think music is an emotional thing. Much like the sense of smell, it can evoke, memories, pain, and sometimes in the nites, it helps keep me sane.
I sometimes think about the label crazy, and the source of at least part of that, which made dead seem preferable to living, if only through neglect, and opting out of life and family responsibility, and, a continuous reminder that it will ever be too late to make it right, is still within the same four walls. And each time a careless word, a denial, a dismissal, is uttered, the knife gets returned.
How does one forgive the unforgivable, when its far too late to make any difference. When I've done everything I know how to reach inside the heart, heck, trying to kill myself at 19 wasn't enough, to make a difference, so not much hope now. And sometimes the pain that is still bought out in this situation, still drives in a way, that is pretty none understandable to most folks.
And you read how God has a Father's heart, and you believe it. But, yet, it also confuses. What is a Father's heart? When our earthly Father's are a source of deeply ingrained ongoing pain, it skews ones vision of our Heavenly Father in some way. Especially when so much has happened since you begged for mercy from God, that you know its His will everything that has happened to make your life often feels meaningless, worthless, yet you try to hang on that you are not out of His care. That the two correlate with the other. Yet in body alone when Thomas Watson's description of hell pretty much fits,
Consider the multiplicity of those torments. In this
life the body is usually exercised but with one pain, the stone or
headache, at one time; but in hell there is a diversity of torments;
there is darkness to affright, fire to burn, a lake of sulphur to
choke, chains to bind, and the worm to gnaw. The torments of hell
will seize upon every part of the body and soul. The conscience will be tormented with
self-accusations.
sometimes one wonders, why.
And the song playing on the blog: by David Meece
We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live
He is my reason to live
And a short 30 second snip too, also by David Meece. And the sense of the first, and how much He gave, has added to the sense of loss with the below, and you cry out to God in your pain, and the two examples of fathers hearts are not easy to reconcile to the other. And there are no easy answers, no quick fixes, but you know, the ongoing lack of care, and still denying that by neglect they had some part to play in everything, makes life seem unbearably difficult, given the other factors. click the play button on the windows media player in the post and for the main blag song today, the other one, the first song mentioned about Our Heavenly Father also by David Meece hit the play button on the windows media player on the left hand side of the home page..half way down.
