Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Sleeping with the Enemy!
Well, my normal crazy fascade, is just that. Yet crazy is at the heart of everything tonite. In fact the whole day. Except for brief moments of light, crazy is all there is. And you know what? There are probably phyiscal causes for this state of melancholia and mind misfiring. As if they are right in what they suspect to be wrong with me, psychotic episodes is one of the complications. And the crazy thing is. (excuse the pun) is that I have never had to cope with being crazy on my own before either. I was always locked away with people on hand. And drugs to dull the emotions and senses. And now there's no pills, that I want to take, as I know it will pass again, and no one to call or holler. So, are just left with the craziness, and river of tears. And the images of long ago, that keep flashing up before me. People, some loved, some loathed. And this morning I woke thinking there was a realistic chance cos of how weird my head felt, that the morning wouldn't be gotten through in one piece. Now, I wonder why I bothered to worry about it. An animal would be put out of its misery. And I'm certainly no advoicate of Euthaniia. But are sick of, living in my broken body, and when the mind goes too, it seems unendurable. And I hope by at least the way the words maybe stringing together here, that crazy in a purest form, is not what I am. But, crazy, and heartbroken, and afraid to live and afraid to die. And some of the mismachinations of my brain, make me a sitting duck, to defend myself against the enemy. The rivers of tears, and the images, and the taunts and mockery is all there is. And cos I don't self-mutilate anymore, or decided to do something desperate, no help to be sought.& Tis actually true that foot note on the borderline sign.. tho it goes for physiucal maladies too. I should be dead now, and if counting on the doctors I would be. You could die easily before you are treated. And I figure when that happens they may be stand around after saying "oops"nbsp; And are not angry about this day, but How long O Lord. How Long.
25The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
28Let him sit alone in silence
when it is laid on him;
29let him put his mouth in the dust--
there may yet be hope;
30let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.
31For the Lord will not
cast off forever,
32but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33for he does not willingly afflict
or grieve the children of men. |
