Saturday, July 03, 2004
Prayers.
Most folks know I've been pretty sick the last two and a half years. And during that time have gone from walking a dog at least two miles a day, to being wheelchair bound and a body wracked with pain, And all sorts of head events that leave me struggling congitively. And it all seemed like some medical conspiracy. As cos I had a past lable of Mentally ill, cos the doctors could not find a problem, they assumed I was a fruit cake. Even after going to see a shrink and him saying I wasn't mentally ill.
Anyhow, it seemed like time would be short n this earth. Yet the end of last week I had a letter from my doctor and it seems they may have found out the problem. Shan't know till Wednesday all the facts and details etc. But as I said to Lysa, right now I expect to be around to bug folks for a while. And may even experience some healing, tho how much if any is anyones guess right now. The irony is, I have a 30 year history of mental illness and seizures, and symptoms in a much lesser to degree to this illness which go way back over 20 years and probably longer. What it seems to have been found can cause both seizures and pyschotic episodes. It looks like God took the key and unlocked the life-long mystery.
And this came just after a time that had been the lowest of my life. God was making no sense when I saw the pain filled past, and "this" now. The past still had a grip like a vice. And yet, if this goes back as far as it seems to, I have been living with a deadly desease if untreated, for around 30 years, as my Pastor commented today, (jokingly) I have lived on more borrowed time than anyone has a right to. And with an eye always in the past, and the pain that still engulfed from that, and robbed of any joy in Christian life, it seemd Like a good, gracious God would not have allowed the horrors that went on in all kinds of ways. And that when folks said He had been there all the time wanted to scream, well why didn't He do something. Yet, He was doing something, if my diagnosis is confirmed, He was keeping me alive by His will alone. As no medical treatment was or is being had. And to go that long, even the last two and a half years in the state of physical collapse that has occured, to survive those when so sick and having now a good idea what the problem is, seems beyond belief. It was a very real possibility that death was my neighbour. And still is till I start to get treatment. Yet having to wait for the dx to be confirmed and then probably having to wait more for the U.K medical system to spring into action is not a concern. How can a few more weeks make any difference, when by God's will I am here now.
I don't actually recall all that happened except I got tipped out of my wheelchair three weeks ago and was in agony after. And that started the anger, bewilderment, frustration, and often railing. Within two minutes of coming out church two Sunday's ago I sommersaulted backwards on my back. Nothing made any sense. And didn't think it ever would. And don't recall the sequence of events, but had somehow sensed God coming near about a week before I got the letter from the doctors. Peace inwardly was there. And God had seemed real, and personal. And the letter on friday was the icing on the cake. Since then blessing have flown like the river of tears did the week before. I do recall I poured over Lamentations which spoke to the very core of emotions and worthlessness. And think when we reach so low, that we empty ourselves, then and only then, can we see Him in His true Glory.
God has been good and merciful. If this is confirmed He reached down from Heaven and comforted from the wrenching pain of the past with a kiss of comfort that only He could give. And in one fell swoop connected my past, present and future together. And He is prepareing His mansion for me too.
1I am the man who has seen affliction
under the rod of his wrath;
2he has driven and brought me
into darkness without any light
6he has made me dwell in darkness
like the dead of long ago.
7He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;
he has made my chains heavy;
8though I call and cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer;
15He has filled me with bitterness;
he has sated me with wormwood.
16He has made my teeth grind on gravel,
and made me cower in ashes
17my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness[1] is;
18so I say, "My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD."
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble
Today has been spent in bed mostly, as have many days been recently, (thank the Lord for a laptop!) and haven't slept properly without being distrubed by external factors every few minutes for about two weeks. And at the moment are taking morphine on a daily basis. Yet, God is there. My ever present help in trouble. With the peace of God within, the externals matter little. My Lord and my God came near, and wiped away the tears and hurt. What an awesome God He is.
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