Thursday, June 17, 2004
Yesterday: June 16th.The Beatles said it this way:
1)Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though theyre here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
tis after one am here now on June 17th. I don't announce it when it is due, cos it is meaningless. But yesterday the 16th was my birthday. If my long held prediction is true, I shall be dead by this time next year. Tho never dreamed when this thought first appeared in 1977 that it was more likely than I had even imagined five years ago. Today, was nothing special, no differeesnt. Still trapped in my pain wracked body and my mind that won't cope with what seems impossible. I had phone calls and cards and gifts, even one phone call from a lady in WA, U.S.A who visited me on Boxing Day last year. Yet, the day was empty, much like any other day. To spend it in the prison, that has become life, with someone who has always been around, yet has never shown he cared, and as time has gone on, its become obvious the reason he does stay is for convienence. Yes he cares in his own way. Much like one would for a family pet. In fact, my pets were better cared for. Old age if fit, has no limitations, yet an astonishing age yet an astonishing fitness still is seen as an excuse from life and responsiblity. Many people more than fifteen years younger would be thrilled to be so fit. And that's not just my opinion. So, my birthday, it came it went. He threw money at me, and I said thank you. The normal polite rituals and attempts at being a normal family. I would rather have love than his money. More than the family pet. But as it is, theday had surprises I never expected like the phone call from America. But it was just another sad song to sing. A life of lameting and weeping and screaming out, inside for the things that are gone, that were nevre to be had, everything outside of normality. Unloved, uncared for, never alive. My rivers of tears run deep, not for a life that may or may not be coming to a close, but for a life that was lost.
"Where is the life we have lost in living?" T.S. Elliot
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