Friday, June 18, 2004
Addictions in the A.M 
I recall a time which doesn't seem very long ago, certainly within the last five years and going back at least 20 years, where I would wake in the nite, after an hour or two's sleep, gasping for a cigarette. I used to think this was real weird. But then had a friend a few years ago too, who used to so wake up in the morning gasping for a cigarette, she would sleep with a new, unlit one under her pillow she told me so she didn't have to wait long after waking. Well, I don't sleep very long periods at nite, normally, most nites two or three hours will be it, sometimes are awake solid for 25 maybe 36 or sometimes 48 or more hours, but it has nothing to do with nicotine addiction. But can also sleep for 18 hours without waking waking gasping. However, on waking, finally to start the day, on any morning, those addictive cravings will hit. And I think sometimes its hard to tell cravings apart from one another. I can't really tell, if I would really fix the craving by morning coffee
or a cigarette first. Coffee often comes first. I also think it can be very hard to tell, between addictions and being hungry. Even if the addictive craving is not at all food-related. Anyhow, morning has come, the day is brighter than for the last week or so, the sunshine is in this Crazy Calvinists heart again. And have had morning coffee, tho as yet have been up two hours or more and no cigarette, likely cos I don't have any in the house. And its not easy to just go and get some now. I used to joke that I could never give up smoking or else my dog wouldn't get so many walks. My dog has been gone 18 months or more, and yet the pressure of life makes smoking seem not doable to quit. My doctors would like me to, with fluctating B.P. and neurogenic pain is often made worse by smoking too, but as I said to my doctor, can things really get any worse? I am not recommending smoking to anyone. Tis a bad, unhealthy, habit that should be avoided at all costs, if one has never smoked before and why give yourself an addiction at the cost of your health, if there's no need? I think addictions become sinful and a problem when they have total control over you, and you become a slave to it. I think that would be a form of idolatory. My addictions above were like that maybe 18 months, 2 years ago, now can pretty much take or leave either, and never clock watch if out, to see how long before I can get my fix. Tho, when out of cigarettes could do with this chappie as a pet, to roll me a home made one.
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