Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Tears of a "Fool
Smokey Robinson said it this way:
Now there's some sad things known to man
but ain't too much sadder than
the tears of a clown
when there's no one around
Now if I appear to be carefree
it's only to camouflage my sadness
In order to keep my pride I try
to cover the hurt with a show of gladness
A clownish foolish demeanour can hide a broken spirit and shattered life. I remember doing this for half my childhood. And covered it with crazy. Smokey said it well. I hear people sometimes complain about being too, tall, too short, too fat, too thin, and have to hold back, from telling them in God's eyes they are lovely, and have to hold back from quoting 1 Sam 1:16 as realizing how clicheish and useless it must sound to them, but also know how true. How from under ten, people saw this crazy, foolish kid, with only half a brain to call their own, yet rivers ran deep. And most of the time, the "crazy" was my camaflauge.
Have you ever heard folks say, they can be in the midst of a party, surrounded by people, yet they felt alone? A hurting minor feeling that way, will make their own world. Small children who are the only child in the family, often have invisble playmates. What kind of pain, can drive a seventeen year old to. Its not aloneness. Its cos the reality of real people, real life, cuts like a razor. So, an invisible dog, a stuffed monkey at 20 takes precedence over reality. As they are mute, actionless safe, and something, to call ones own. And people continue to think you're a fool and perhaps as older even more foolish than before.
So, if I don't automatically condemn Michael Jackson for simply being weird, leaving any current allegations out of it, till they have been proved, then maybe its cos I have known people who have been where he is at. I've seen the fantasy, seem better than anything reality could offer. And know that as he stages his appearances, and his performances, only in the fantasy of that world, does he feel alive. The whole setup, is something he can control and it belongs to him, and him alone. He's not part of someone elses orchestrations in that world. And centre stage of that world, his smile, his songs, his moves, are his camaflouage for a shattered life, and broken spirit. And if not but for God, could any of us walk a similar path and say we would be different to him? He's on his parallel universe because his real existence is so sore, so raw, so painful, he can't quite step back fully into it. But behind the face-masks, the dark glasses and I'm as sure as nite and day, that his soul feels tortured beyond endurance. And people look at his money, his lfestyle, and think he has or had it all. Yet he probably has very little that is real, outside of his public persona. And unless called by God, he never will.
Sometimes, when suffering physically now, people are pretty much stuck for words, and will at times say they dont' know what to say. And I crack some joke, about my situation, which eases their discomfort, and lightens the moment. And some people say at least you still have your sense of humour, and others in a world of unbelief say they would stick there head in the oven so how can I laugh? And yet, the jokes no longer make people see crazy. But know that reflex reaction to laugh during the worst of times is somehow a remnant for the fascade fo those years, yet as far from it in manifestation as east is west.
People often ask if Jesus laughed. Cos we read in Scripture that Jesus wept. Well, I believe with my whole heart our savour had a great sense of humour and he endowed us with one to use to His glory too. And whenever everything else seems to be failing, the reflex reaction to laugh is always there. And not sure without it it would be so easy to get through these days. And I know it has its roots in the crazy persona. And the distancing from reality. And given the pain that caused that persona, when I see how the remanants of it make these days doable, can't help but think of Gen 50:20
But never judge a book by its cover. As a minute of laughter can often be a veil for a river of tears. And I know at least my rivers in years gone by, were at least in part caused by the fool saying in there heart, there is no God. But a even the most crazy, foolish person on the outside, has feelings and emotions that run deeper than mountains, inside. So, whether it be Michael Jackson, or any other Tom, Dick or Harriet, we should never be so despising of them, for the outward view we see of them, when unlike God, we don't know what's held in their heart.
This is one song, that tho by a British comedien of many years ago, speak poignantly to the point. That the fool just isn't to be laughed at, derided and mocked, (isn't that in essense what foolish people did to Jesus) but they are real people, with real feelings, and prick them they bleed. And often, are stareved of human affection, because of how we view them. I think the term fool can be used as a metaphor for outside the norm. And the first time I heard this song, in adolescence, even the crazy persona was caught off guard, and wept for the loss of the real person. There but for the grace of God, go I.
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