How Long O'Lord

The first command of the Bible to hold a promise:

Honour your parents

This seems to be one of many mountains that is impossible to get to the top. Tho my living parent has never done anything sinful or heinous to me more than any other human being has to another, the fact that they are almost 86 and yet could outlive me, and know if that does happen that this situation of so long is still likely to be a source of pain/grief, makes continuing going through the motions seem like a Herculean task. Every time one senses you see a change, a softening, and each time that has proved folly, tis like a kick in the teeth. And cos of no involvement, distancing themselves, and basically just not being there on any level apart from physically, when young, and still now, feel empty and void of affection towards them. We can't make ourselves love another human being, just cos they happen to be related to us. People of short acquaintance in some cases, perhaps just a year or two, there is a bond of affection that is just not there for this person who has always been there and should have that. But when you have been so very sick for over two years, and the illness will no doubt kill you, (at least on current known facts) and you live with someone whether they be a parent, a spouse, a friend, or anyone, but they persistently wound you by lack of care or love, it seems all hope is lost of ever feeling anything but irritation towards them. Yet, know my God commands it. An act of love is loving someone, it doesn't have to be done with feeling. How many of us would watch and not help a stranger in the street in trouble and not go to their aid. that would be an act of love, yet not done out of any love emotion towards the stranger.

Yet even despite this, the fact that I stay and have stayed all these years, is probably the biggest witness to unbelieving friends who can see the situation for themselves without me saying anything. They think me a martyr, for putting up with now and the last x number of years. They don't see the bitter tears of hope dashed once again. And anger that never quite is able to express the pain without the anger of years of neglect and uninvolvment and passivity, and things happening that may otherwise never have. And knowing that if not for the things that did happen, I may not have been labelled mentally ill. And may not be so sick now. Every time these wounds open, I trace them all back to if they had been there, and cared anything, the future may look better, as the past in the way it did would never have unfolded. And I don't generally live a what if life, yet do go down this route in this situation.

Sometimes my words are sinful to them, through anger that seems impossible to hold onto any longer, and a pain that never seems quite to die. I want them to feel some of what they have made way for me to feel. and know this is my flesh warring against any bit of good that maybe there. But each time the anger erupts there action as always is denial. Denial of reality or any involvement they have played. They agree to shut me up and walk away, rather than try to discuss and further any chance this relationship has. As long as everything in their garden is rosy, everything is fine and dandy. As soon as it over-flows to affect them even slightly through wrought emotions, its easier for them to treat me like an irrational, crazed mentally ill person, than a human being who they are a source of ongoing and continual pain through being in denial. And is the only living person who can bring out the wish to die to not remove me from my pain wracked body, but from the situation here in this "happy home" my constant cry to God, is How Long, O' Lord. How, Long. And try to find shelter under His wings.


Psalm 27
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.



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