Thursday, April 29, 2004
Worried about my sanity! 
You know, things happen in life, that could basically happen to anyone on the planet, yet you think, cos of a life-time of events. Am I actually crazy after all? (no opinons please!)
Such as, I was thinking last night, (The ticking of my brain is almost ever constant!) how strange things happen in the state of half asleep half-awake time. I remember a good three years ago, perhaps, or getting on that way, telling folks I kept waking up cos of the uncontrollable urge to laugh! Well, I passed it off as a joke, but since then its got more and more frequent. And then I connected to things in my brain that happen at somewhat regular intervals while sleeping. As since the head event started to happen, have been able to pin point the waking up laughing exclusively to the same times.
And the fact, almost every night when in that half awake half asleep time, I hear voices almost every night now. Though they're unclean and indistinct. I don't hear a word they say, its like an ever-constant whispering that I can't quite make out. But that's also been somewhat scary simply cos of ghosts of the past. Then, a few weeks ago, I saw a friend say, who has a condition much like mine, that she saw a three feet tall hedgehog on her balcony. And she's never had a days mental illness in her life. But she does have very physical things wrong with her brain now. Same as moi! And I finally felt vindicated, with the advent of the hearing this whispering, that I have never EVER been mentally ill. But had these things going wrong and misfiring much the same as they do now, without the outwards physical symptoms. The whispering scares me, cos I feel someone is close by, but I feel vindicated by God. But, its also a fact, simply cos of the x number of years with a label of "crazy" I feel unable to tell anyone medically speaking of these new events to try and get the past diagnosis blotted out. As the medical community by enlarge has such a closed mind. And to tell someone I hear voices would I am sure bring every worst nightmare come true. But also have plans not too far ahead to change to a Christian family doctor.
Oh and in case Royal watcher and Royal intelligence are reading this...I ain't crazy...BUT I STILL AIN't RESPONSIBLE!
But another thing that happened none medical, but did make me wonder if I was losing the plot. I had a new computer a week or two ago, And I could her this humming noise just now and then after first installing it. And I thought at the time. That sounds just like a wasp trapped in there. Now would anyone have that thought and think it was rational? Especially when in the insect world, wasps/bees are a terrorizing experience? Anyhow, I dismissed this, but kept hearing it for days. Then the weekend, with no windows open at the time, a giant, KILLER wasp appeared in my room, from nowhere and did terrorize me for almost twelve hours on and off. Finally getting his eternal desserts at about three thirty am that night. And you know what? Since the wasp appeared and is now dead, my computer ain't hummed once?
If people tell you, in other words you are crazy for long enough, you never will not think there is a maybe that its true. And dozens of people who you love and respect can tell you you are not, and know realistically they are right, yet, there's always room for doubt in your own heart as to if you are.
Crazy? me? I think not. But things will always come up and happen, that will cast doubt for me. Even if not for anyone else around or about me. Crazy is believing the lie. The lie of swallowing, hook, line and sinker, everything a doctor tells you as fact. There are no doubt countless different times and circumstances they are spot on the mark and do very much good for people. Crazy is believing everything, and not questioning, and being too afraid to have an opinion or else they will think more crazy.
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